Screenplay

September 8, 2016

Contact: [email protected]

A boring beige boardroom with a bunch of suits sitting around a table.

JOHN MATTHEWS (30’s) is frantically presenting characters in front of them, schlubby and frumpy in his cheap suit.

Batman, Power Rangers, Macho Man, etc.

The suits in the room stare blankly. Mercifully, a timer goes off with a ‘beep-beep’ and the CEO sitting next to it turns it off with a thump.

Thank you Mr. Matthews for the Character Showcase. I’m afraid that’s all the time we have. We’d love to have you on the project--

That’s great!

--but we don’t have a place for you right now.

They all turn to each other and begin to chatter, shake their heads. He gets the message and sees himself out.

The house is a junky bachelor pad. John toils away on an exercise bike in a corner of the room. He’s made posters on the wall with inspiration messages like “BIKE! YOU’RE FAT”, and “THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS”.

Rejected again. You’re so stupid and fat and talentless. You suck. You’re flunking out of Hollywood you idiot. Stupid...

John spots a call on his phone. He leans over to grab it.

John leans over a little too far and comes crashing off the bike with a thud.

**BLACK**

The sound of breathing.

FADE TO

A woman in all black with a DONUT for a HEAD stands over John, who’s splayed out on the floor.

Are... Are you death?

No dummy! I’m your sugary sweet inner donut! So...if you’re dead, then I’m dead too!

John takes this in.

Why are you a donut?

Don’t you remember how much you used to *love* donuts?

You’ve got to be kidding.

JOHN walks along with a stately man smoking a pipe. He’s John’s THERAPIST.

Well, I’ve been a therapist for close to ten years now and I have to say that what you’re going through is unusual, but not *unheard of*.

Isn’t there something you can prescribe me to get rid of this Donut?

The donut runs and dances along the background. Frolicking.

I’m afraid not. It’s a combination of your stress level and the bump on your head. Things will most likely get better in a few weeks.

Donut runs up to John and tickles him.

At least your not going *craaaaaaaaazy*.

John recoils at the Donut, then turns to the Therapist.

A few *weeks*?! I don’t have that kind time! I’m trying to be a fucking *hollywood actor* for god’s sake. It’s already impossible enough the way that I am.

You’re being very critical of yourself again. We talked about how that doesn’t help.

The donut sprays John in silly string.

A couple weeks off sounds good! Let’s go to Disney!

John spins around and gets in the Donut’s face.

Now, You listen to me you stupid fuck. You’re just the latest bullshit in my dumpster fire life. Okay? I’m fat. I’m awkward. I’m shit with women. I’m a talentless hack. And I’m about *this* close to a breakdown. Got it?

The therapist stops in his tracks.

You’re talking to the... donut, aren’t you. Listen John. Being so critical of yourself isn’t helping you. Maybe it’s time to ease up? Sometimes... life throws so many lemons at us at one time that we keep trying to juggle them when we’re really supposed to make lemonade out of them. Right?

That metaphor makes no sense and it’s rambling.

John’s phone rings. He answers it.

John Matthews? Yes.. Mhmm... I’ll be right there.

John hangs up the phone.

I have to go.

The suits are sitting right where they were and John’s back in front of them, except this time Donut is standing right next to him.

So there was some lingering... interest... in you Mr. Matthews. Do you have any other characters.

John swallows and pats down his brow.

I uh, I uh, I do, but there not that great.

Don’t be so critical of yourself! Just do your best!

Oh just shut up. You’re only a talking donut in my head.

Come on! You’ve got this.

I don’t need your encouragement, okay! I can do this on my own, donut.

I’m just trying to get you to be less critical of yourself, you don’t have to be so mean to me.

I just need you to give me some space right now while I’m trying to show these people what I can do dammit. I’m trying my best and you’re just another symptom of how much of a fuck up I am.

Stop right there.

John is mortified, his chance has been blown.

You know.. I like this character, what do you call him.

Uh... Really? Thanks. I call him.... Donut.

I’ve got to get you to do him for Kimmel.

The donut dances around. John finally cracks a smiles.

A generic and bland break room where John stands and excitedly talks to Donut.

I couldn’t have done that without you!

It was nothing! And remember, it wasn’t me who told you to be less critical of yourself... It was *you* the whole time.

An office person crosses the camera and we suddenly see what’s really happening. John’s just holding a donut he’s talking to.

John chomps the donut.