Behind a red brick suburban high school, where the parking lot wraps around to the kitchen loading bay, a trio of nerds lean against a big metal dumpster.

ZACK OAKWOOD (18, Glasses, Storkish, Easy Going), munches on a ham sandwich and reads through an issue of Batman: The Long Halloween while absently picking at his acne.

OSCAR REID, (17, Bowl Cut, Trailer Trash, Aloof), feasts on a Swiss roll while flipping through Playstation magazine

DWAYNE GLENN, (18, small, scrappy, ALWAYS swearing) is tossing an apple in the air and catching it. He’s got Korn blasting on his portable CD player that’s tucked into his JNCO jeans.

It’s not bullshit man. It’s totally real. The NWO invaded WCW! It’s a secret plot by Vince McMahon.

How would you know it was a secret plot? Isn’t the point of a secret plot to keep it secret?

Come on man! What else could it be? Have you seen those NWO wrestlers? The way those guys *look*? They’re up to no good.

Dwayne snaps at them, as usual.

Jesus fucking christ you guys. It’s shit like this that keeps us from being in the *cool* crowd. Nobody gives a fuck about wrestling or comics and shit like that! We need to talk about boobs or football or beer or or or something cool!

Dwayne chomps down loudly onto his apple and then dramatically hurls it into the dumpster behind them with a THUNG.

I don’t know. Isn’t being cool overrated? It seems like an awful lot of work just to make people like you. My mom says as soon as the Y2K bug hits-

--Y2J?!? BREAK THE WALLS DOOOOWWWWN!

Oscar does a few crotch-chops.

-- Once it hits, we might all be toast. I mean we won’t. Mom Y2K proofed our computer.

Too bad she’s not smart enough to not have a ball-Zack for a son though. At this rate you’re gonna be a virgin until you die!

Knock it off Dwayne.

Come over here and make me.. Virgin Ball Zack

Virgin Ball Zack!

Dwane starts posturing to Zack, trying psych him out.

The school janitor, MR. YOUNG, (50’s, cop rigid, black), drags a trash bag over to the dumpster and hauls it in with a thunderous clang. He wipes his hands off on his uniform and turns to the three.

Pretty ripe out here today boys.

Afternoon Mr. Young.

Hey Zack. I’ve said it a million times, but why won’t you three eat lunch inside the cafeteria with the rest of the students?

And waste our only opportunity for some fresh air? I think not Mr Young!

Oscar exaggeratedly breathes in deeply and coughs it all out.

It’s because we don’t want to be crowded out by all the losers. Right guys?

Well, Actually, It might be nice to--

--Do you think you can handle looking at Megan Watson’s hot boobies? She’s in there with her friends you know.

Zack takes a hard look at his ham sandwich and straightens his glasses out. A bead of sweat drops down his forehead.

I think we’re fine here Mr. Young. Thanks for asking.

Mr Young shakes his head disapprovingly.

Suit yourself. Just try not to eat too close to the dumpster. But what do I know? I’m just the lowly school janitor and nothing else!

Mr. Young walks back into the school cafeteria, shaking his head. He takes out a small notebook and scribbles something down as he’s walking away.

What the fuck Dwayne? Did you have to bring up Megan in front of the janitor Mr Young? Just because I like her doesn’t mean you can tease me about it constantly.

Heel move Dwayne. Not cool.

Dwayne stands up.

What’s it fucking matter anyway? Aren’t you were going to ask her to homecoming.

I am. I just haven’t found the right time.

Well do it soon, because if you’re not then I will totally get all up in that poontang! I’m gonna... gonna.. yoink. And then she’s gonna.. gonna.. zoink. And then I’m like show me your boobies.

Oscar gets up.

The puppies Michael!

What?

The puppies! Woof! Woof!

Oscar and Dwayne break into barking and howling. General tom foolery.

Zack stands up and breaks up the insanity.

Guys! Guys! Cut it out! Okay! I’ll do it today after school. Okay?

Dwayne gets up in Zack’s face.

Why don’t you just do it right now at lunch? Or are you afraid of getting.. luh.. luh... LAID?!?

Ewww.

So you *are*! Jesus Zack! You’re such a wimp. You really are a wrinkly virgin ball-zack.

Fuck you Dwang. I am not a... You know. I can’t wait to ... get all up in that... her... private parts. And do Sex.

Zack winces at himself.

Remember that the mind is your weapon Zackary. You must use it wisely.

Oscar bows for no reason.

Whatever Oscar, Zack. You just need to get it over with. Just fucking do it man.

The bell rings and the three scramble up from their posts.

A bank of 1999 style computers line the walls of the classroom. MR. WALKER (late 30’s, fat), snores away at his desk.

In one corner of the class, the coolest kid in school DREW (17, laid back, frosted tips, surfer) absently doodles. KEATON (17, blond hair, frat ready) chucks a football back and forth with his chief lackey, a fat HOG of a linebacker (16, a tank)

Yo, Drew since your parents are out for the weekend. That means we’re throwing an epic party at your place. Right Big D?

Party time!

They’re doing a couples therapy retreat. I think they’re gonna get a divorce--

Sweet! Let’s party then. Swipe some Booze from your dad and I’ll invite all the hot chicks we can find. I gotta burn through all these.

Keaton produces a dozen or so condoms from his pocket.

We get MTV at the house, which is pretty tight I guess.

Nice!

Anybody cool can come. Ass, Grass, or Cash, am I right?

From the other side of the computer banks Oscar, Zack, and Dwayne are working on the computer. Dwayne perks up and leans over his enormous white monitor.

Yea! Ass, Ass, or Ass. Right?

Who asked you? Weirdo.

I did! I asked me!

Dwayne makes a crazy face at him and then slumps back down in his seat.

(whispered)

Fuck those guys.

You seriously think you could fuck all those guys?

Oscar stands up from his seat and gawks at the cool kids.

What’s up punk?

Just trying to see how many guys are over here.

(Turns to Dwayne)

Are we talking at once?

Keaton postures at Oscar, who isn’t even phased.

What?

Oscar turns to Dwayne

Dwayne? Are you serious about *all* these guys? I don’t think you could --

Dwayne grabs Oscar’s shirt and makes him sit down.

--Just Shut up man.

What? You were the one who said you wanted to fuck them.

I said I was going to fuck them up. It’s different.

Oscar, you’re going to get us beat up.

From across the computers Hog cat calls them.

(O.S.)

Whatever nerds. You better not show up to the party this weekend, or else.

Ok, I am gonna kick his ass.

Zack and Oscar hold Dwayne in his seat.

No Dwayne. Relax man. You can just let them live.

I am going to shove my elbow down their trachea.

Dwayne.

I’m going to gouge their eyes out.

Stab them with this pencil--

Jesus. Relax Dwayne. Here...

Zack pulls out a packet of fun dip.

Just have some fun dip dude.

Alright... Okay...

Dwayne rips open the packet and licks his finger. Sticks it in the powdered sugar.

Oh. Yea. That’s the stuff.

Dwayne makes a strange concentration face as he starts in on the fun dip.

Sitting next to the three nerds is the biggest girl in school. JORDAN BELLHOUSE (16, large, weightlifting champion).

No you come to momma.

Zack and Dwane recoil in horror at the discovery that she’s been sitting right next to them the whole time.

Hey Jordan. How’s it going?

The two collectively catch their breath.

Jordan. You scared the *shit* out of me. Can you stop doing that?

I’ve been sitting here since the beginning of the semester.

We just forgot. Sorry.

Why do you guys always forget. Come on... I’m one of you guys.

A clone or something?

A body double sent back from the future? Like a terminator?

I’m one of the nerds. A weirdo. Just like you.

Speak for yourself!

Seriously? We’re always the one getting picked on and stuff. Don’t you get it? It’s because we’re different.

Something walks by the window in a blur. Zack is up and out of his chair in a bolt, salivating at the window.

Oh God. That was her.

Who?

So Are you going to man up and ask? Or just stay here and be a virgin ball-zack about it?

Shut up. Dwang.

Hit her with the stunner ZACK.

Huh? Who’s he hitting?

Dwayne and Oscar turn to Jordan and answer in a flash.

Whatever. This is stupid.

I don’t know... Should I?

Zack turns around to find Keaton and Hog are miraculously nose to nose with him. Hog muscles him further into the door.

Actually nerd, Our main man Drew was going to ask her to the homecoming dance. So don’t even think about it, right Drew.

Drew is still in the corner doodling into a notebook.

I don’t really care actually.

Drew’s got a point. You see, he doesn’t have to worry about a dweeb like you because super hot Megan Watson would never be into you. So go on. Ask all you want.

Really?

As a matter of fact, we’re going to let everyone in the whole school know you’re asking out Megan Watson.

Almost at once, everyone has their Nokia phones out and are ravenously sending out a t-9 text.

INSERT: Phone Screen “Zack ask out MegN! WTF?”

Multipe phones as they press the ‘send’ key with an ominous tone. Dun-Dun-Dunnnn

Zack winces and acts as if he’s been punched in the gut. He slides down the door on his back and his pants catch the door handle and open it, ejecting him into the hallway and slamming the door shut behind him.

The noise wakes the teacher, who snores to life.

Harrumph..? Wha? What? A Question?

Oscar raises his hand.

Yes, Oscar?

Yes?

You have a question for me?

The real question is do *you* have a question for *me*?

This is a real brain tickler for Mr. Walker, still groggy.

Uh...

Zack collects himself from the floor and jogs to catch up to MEGAN WATSON (17, blonde, teen vogue, jelly shoes). She walks quickly with a hall pass in one hand.

Hey Megan! Uh... Wait up.

Megan turns to see who it is as Zack catches up to her.

Uh... It’s Mack, Right?

Zack...

Oh... Close enough. What’s up?

She walks off again, Zack in tow.

Well...I uh--

She abruptly turns to face him. He runs into her and backs off sheepishly.

This isn’t about the student council right? I quit that last semester. It conflicted with my job at the gap. So I can’t take any more... how to say this... ‘requests’ for grade changes. Okay?

She flashes a fake smile.

No. No, that’s not it.

Well, what the hell could you possibly want?

Zack runs around her and walks backwards to talk with her. People have begun to gawk from any available window at Megan and Zack in the hallway.

It’s just that I wanted to--

Just spit it out! What is it?

Megan looks around and realizes that she’s being watched from every window and door by other students.

Okay! Just one second..

Zack gulps and fishes a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket.

(reading from paper)

Uh.. Megan Watson, you’re the coolest girl in the whole school and I really like you. I think you’re very pretty and smart and I think you’re cute. Would you be my date for the homecoming dance?

Uh... I can’t-- I’m sorry, but just. No.

Oh... Okay.

Megan shuffles off to the bathroom and Zack stays kneeling on the floor for an uncomfortable amount of time.

Two or three classrooms full of people are staring Zack’s rejection, and when he turns his head to look at them, they all awkwardly slide away from the zackwindows in their respective classroom doors.

I'm a virgin ball-zack

He shambles back to his feet and begins what seems like a million mile haul back to his classroom. Head hung low.

As he walks by the Janitors closet, SMOKE billows out and an ETHEREAL LIGHT under the door begins to grow and flash.

It shakes Zack out of his stupor. Is this really happening?

He looks around to see if anyone else notices it.

He peers under the door.

A FLASH! Zack jumps backwards, falls onto his butt.

What the fu--

IN AN INSTANT the door flies opens and a tall, bearded, GANGLY MAN is silhouetted in the bright light from the closet. He looks like the Unabomber.

Zack is agasp in surprise.

My god it worked! It’s just like it used to be in... You! ZACK!

The gangly man GRABS HIM by the shirt and YANKS HIM into the closet. Zack really screams at this.

AHHHHHHHH!

Shhh!!

The gangly man’s hand is over Zack’s mouth

The gangly man, with a patchy beard and large glasses closes the door. Zack struggles.

Shhh... Jeez. SHHHH. Calm down buddy. I’m not gonna hurt you.

I... I swear I don’t have anything you want. I swear I’m not John Connor. I swear!

Shit. Calm down. I’m not going to hurt you. That’d be really stupid of me if I did.

The gangly man releases his grasp on Zack.

Wha...Who?..Who are you?

Zack... Buddy, I’m **you**! Twenty or so years into future you... But still you!

What. The. Fuck?

Cool Right!?

Zack takes a step back and looks at the OLD ZACK before him. An unkempt, dejected, spectacled, late 30’s, nerd. He’s got on a dirty and stained nerd shirt and has some sort of dirt or ash on his face, presumably from time traveling.

The gravity of the situation begins to shake YOUNG ZACK’S brain.

That’s impossible. You look like a loser.

It’s because I... You... We **are a loser!**

Thats... Lame.

Right. It’s the late 90’s. Sorry. I guess I’m not as prepared for this as I thought I would be.

Wait. Don’t you work with Mr. Young? How can I be sure that you’re not just some weird new janitor?

Who?

He’s the black janitor that always tell us to stop eating lunch next to--

--The dumpster. Huh. It’s funny. I remember eating next to the dumpster all the time, but not this janitor. What’s his name again?

Mr. Young. How’d you know I eat next to the dumpster?

I told you. I’m you. From the future. Your future! Here, don’t believe me? Let me show you.

Old Zack starts to unzip his futuristic jeans and Young Zack freaks out.

What the fuck man? Are you trying to show me your dick or something?

He quickly leaves the closet and stumbles into the hallway.

Looking for him is a huffing Mr. Walker.

There you are! I should write you up for skipping class Zackary Oakwood.

I... Uh... I had to go to the bathroom and couldn’t find the pass. I’m real sorry.

Mr. Walker gets right up in his face and gives him the ‘rough cop’ treatment.

Listen up! This is the *one* time in my class I will be forgiving you. Consider this your warning! You and your friends in my class are disrupters. Usurpers content on disturbing my peace. I do not take nicely to your kind.

Mr Walker pulls him closer.

I will extinguish the hope that you have to disturb my calm class. You will not prevail over me.

Mr. Walker releases Young Zack. Stunned, Young Zack scurries back into class.

Old Zack peers out from the janitor’s closet after him.

(To Self)

Kids think they can just run the school. I’ll show them.

Mr Walker cracks his knuckles.

Old Zack shuts the door.

Shit.

Young Zack walks back into class with Mr. Walker in tow. Young Zack walks back over to his seat and slumps in.

The popular kids all know exactly what just happened, and snicker and point at Zack.

Shit dude. Shit.

What’d she say?

What do you think she said...

Yes? Did she say yes? Alright dude!

Oscar attempts to fist bump Zack and Dwayne shuts him down.

She said no, dumb ass.

Oh.. Sorry.

Oscar turns to Jordan, who reluctantly fist bumps with his still offered fist.

That’s Mr. Dumb Ass to you Dwang.

From across the computer bank, Keaton and Hog peer over.

What’s wrong nerd? Did you get shut down by Megan? That’s what you get for messing with the cool crowd. Megan’s in and you’re not so eat it.

Yea man. Eat. It.

Hog and Keaton high five.

Mr Walker walks into the room.

Students! Sit down and get back to your typing! I WILL NOT BE DEFIED!

He pounds on the wall with his fist.

Keaton and Hog go back and sit down.

(Hushed)

Man, Really sorry to hear that Zack.

Dwayne and Zack jump at the sound of Jordan’s Voice.

When the fuck did you get there?

(yelling)

I WILL HAVE ORDER IN THIS CLASSROOM DAMMIT! ORDER! SILENCE!

(Hushed)

Guys!? I’ve literally been sitting here all year. I just told you that.

Jordan pouts and the guys shake their heads and slump their shoulders.

The last bell of the day has rung and kids are filing out to the busses en masse. Zack walks onto his bus, head held low, past his driver DRIVER TIM (30’s, morbidly obese, balding red hair).

Howdy dude. What’s got you so glum today?

Nothin’

It’s alright. You can tell Driver Tim.

Well. This girl that I like--

--Uh. Zack. Can we talk for a second?

Old Zack, dressed up in a janitor’s uniform. Stands behind Young Zack in queue to enter the bus.

And... Who might you be?

I’m... Uh.... Chris... Chris Pratt.

Well Chris, we don’t allow parents of Child--

I’m one of the new janitorial staff they just hired for... the bus cleaning.

You don’t seem like one of the kind of guys--

Old Zack stomps onboard and shoves Young Zack towards the back of the bus. He leans into Driver Tim’s face.

I KNOW what you DO on the school’s computers. Now, no more questions.

What?

I know... KiddieDriverLovesBaloons69... Should I go on?

Driver Tim goes white in the face and gulps.

That’s what I thought.

Zack and Zack go sit down at the back of the bus.

What was that all about?

You’ll hear about it in a few years. Just don’t sweat it.

I still think you’re full of shit. Prove you’re me.

Alright then. How about this...

Old Zack unzips his pants again and reaches into them.

Not again you perverted son of a--

--It’s the birthmark! Just wait.

Old Zack shows Young Zack a small red birthmark on his pelvis.

Big deal. We’ve got the same birthmark.

Alright then.

Old Zack pulls a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and unfurls it. It’s an old and worn copy of the paper he read off to Megan to ask her out. Young Zack snatches the paper from him and stuffs it away in his backpack.

Where the hell did you get that from?

Don’t be stupid. I kept that for what seems like forever. Today is the day my life changed to make us a loser forever.

Well... Whatever. If you’re really me from the future, then... Ah? What do we give Dwane to make him calm down?

Fun dip.

Who’s Oscar’s favorite wrestler?

Sting

Fine. When I was 13 What did my mom...

Young Zack leans into Old Zack’s ear and asks him the rest of the question. Old Zack’s face contorts a bit.

Old Zack leans over to Young Zack and whispers in his ear. Young Zack’s eyes signal he’s said the right answer.

Oh my god. Its you! I mean... You’re me! We’re us.

That’s right. And we have under a week to make sure that you don’t become ... this.

But if I change the present, won’t--

--it change me in the future and thusly while --

--you’re here in the present?

I thought of that. It’s not like time travel in Looper.

Looper?

Older Zack shows Young Zack a watch-like device that he’s wearing on his wrist.

This watch creates a time bubble around me so that I won’t be directly affected by changes in the present. If I take the watch off though, I’ll be instantly changed by whatever happened here. And if I hit this button here, it’ll transport me back to my time. It’s like I’m in a holding stasis until I’m ready to go back.

...This is way cooler than Back to The Future.

Oh yea. For sure. It’s almost like a tardis in a watch.

Old Zack shakes off the thought.

I mean whatever! It’s all the nerdy stuff like this that made me the mess that I am today. I’m a failure and a loser. That’s why I’m here. I have to change your life kid.

Why not just give me the lottery numbers?

No man. No way! Everyone knows the lottery is just a ploy for the time cops to capture rogue time travelers.

Cooooool!

I’m here to make sure you get laid by Megan Watson. You see... You.. Me... We never got laid.. And now we’re about to turn 40 and we’re still single and super unhappy. Nobody wants to be your... Our girlfriend--

-- Ugh.

Okay, glad we’re on the same page. So what day is it? I’m a little disoriented here. You haven’t asked her to prom yet, have you? ... God that was terrible. Everybody saw us get shut down!

Yea... That was today. You pulled me into the closet just after the whole school saw me fail.

The bus driver gives a suspicious eye to the two Zacks. High school kids load onto the bus.

Shit! I must have come back later than I thought. Damn. I only had one shot at this too. Fuck. I really fucked up again! I’m doomed to be a loser.

Old Zack hangs his head.

So I guess I *really* fucked up... Right? This literally is the worst day of my life and I can’t even fix it with time travel.

Young Zack silently cries into his backpack.

Hey.. Hey.. Uh.. Me? Look things are gonna be... fine... Okay.. Maybe that’s not true. *This* is what you have to look forward to.

Young Zack cries harder at this.

Driver Tim has a bus full of kids now and he pulls out onto the streets.

(Yelling)

What’s going on back there?

(Yelling Back)

You shut your mouth! You’re a big pervert and I know it.

All the other kids on the bus OHHHH! and OH SNAP! at Driver Tim.

(under breath)

I’ll *will* get you back for this... Chris Pratt.

IN THE BACK OF THE BUS

Hey Kid... Me... Zack. Look...There’s still time man. I have...

(looks at watch)

a little under a week till this thing runs out of juice, but that should be enough to get you laid by Megan Watson.

The watch shows full battery power as it faintly glows neon green.

Oh yea? You really think so?

Yea. We gotta. Otherwise... You know... this.

He gestures to himself.

I guess I have to get laid.. Or else.

Old Zack has drawn a sloppy diagram on multiple pieces of paper taped together to show a divergence in timelines to young Zack.

So here’s a diagram of time. Please excuse the crudeness of this model. - I’ve always wanted to say that! - Ahem.

Nice!

Anyways the point in which I wanted to arrive is *here*. But *here* is where I did arrive. I wanted to create a new branch in my history *here*. But it looks like I'll have to make the change somewhere in *this section*.

What happens down *here*?

Young Zack is pointing to the red line and death marks/squiggles that Old Zack has put on the ‘occurring’ timeline.

Oh. You mean.. What happened to make you... into... me? You really don’t want to know...

A voice from the hallway.

Zackary!

The two Zacks look at each other immediately and Old Zack does a ‘sorry’ with his shoulders. He couldn’t help himself.

MRS. OAKWOOD (40’s, smartly dressed) opens the door to Zack’s room and Old Zack dives under the side of the bed.

Zack, Is that your father in there with you?

Nope.

Weird. I swore I heard him... I’m headed out to my weekly stitch circle. What are you up to tonight?

I don’t know. Probably homework?

You're such a smart boy. You’re gonna grow up to be so successful!

Actually, I guess I was thinking about heading out to the arcade with Dwayne and Oscar after homework... Is that okay?

Oh. Well you be careful driving around at night. I wouldn’t want you to get into an accident. Be home before 10. Okay?

Okay Mom!

Old Zack steals a glance at his mom from the side of the bed. His eyes go wide.

And don’t get into any trouble.

Alright mom. Bye.

Mrs Oakwood walks over and gives Young Zack a hug and says goodbye.

She leaves and Young Zack closes the door behind her. Old Zack comes crawling out from beside the bed.

I don't remember mom being that young...

I guess you're almost as old as Mom is...

Yea. I didn't think about it I guess...

So come on! What the fuck happens to us? Huh? Why can’t I just get laid in college or something?

Oh. Believe me. I tried. We tried. It never happens. We just lock ourselves in the science and computer lab for days at a time trying to find a way to change the past. We only come out for the release of the --

Young Zack launches himself onto his bed.

At least I have that to look forwards to when I get older.

Uh... Yea.

What?

Nothing. They're awesome.

Of course they are. What else?

We get a job at a quantum tech startup and lock ourselves away inside their laboratories again. We made some fantastic technology there. But we never ended up using the things that could help us get laid. Facebook, Tinder, Bumble. We missed out on a lot of connections we should have made and just gave up.

What the hell is a face-book?

Uh...You’ll find out. The point is: The embarrassment of this week haunts you *forever*! It echoes into the future and doesn’t stop. And I’ve just missed it all like the loser I am!

Old Zack crumples into a heap of sad.

Hey! We can still salvage this... Right?

Well... What if you just ask her again? But cooler? Tell the guys to meet us at the Jurrasic Park Machine.

I don’t have any quarters.

Old Zack pulls out a huge wad of bills, credit cards, etc.

Whoa....

The mall houses a sizable arcade with tons of flashing lights and beeping machines.

INSIDE THE JURASSIC PARK ARCADE MACHINE

Some middle schoolers are playing in the machine and Dwayne peeks his head in.

Scram dweebs!

The middle schoolers scramble to leave and Dwayne, Oscar, and Young Zack fill in the booth. They pull the side curtains shut.

Alright. What the fuck is up Zack? Besides you crashing and burning with Megan today.

Dwayne reacts to his own diss, Oscar deadpans.

It must have been a really tough day for you Zack.

Yea. It was a rough day.

So? Get down to business. I could be out at the titty bar right now! Looking at Boobies.

You’re like.. What? 17?

so...

You have to be 21 to go to a titty bar.

Shut up man. I've know a place.

So today after I got shut down by Megan I--

Old Zack pops his head into the video game.

Hey guys!

Occupied!

Whoa! That spooked me.

Jordan has been sitting with Oscar the whole time.

Jesus fucking Chris Jordan! Since when did you get here?

We hang out all the time. What the hell? How many times do I have to tell you I’m one of the gang?

Guys, come on now!

Get the fuck out of here Jordan. We need to do a boys only talk.

Fine...

Jordan slinks out of the booth.

Sorry Jordan! We’ll catch up with you in like 10 minutes.

The remaining guys turn to Old Zack.

Hi Guys, I’m... I’m Zack.

What a coincidence this guy here is named Zack too--

--No Oscar. This is me... From the future...

No way man! Jesus Chris. Old you looks like a sad sack of shit. An old wrinkly virgin ball Zack!

Whoa. You look really sad Zack. What happened to you?

Well... It’s a long story.. so..

Inside the Jurassic park booth Dwayne and Oscar finish up beating the Jurrasic park game.

And that’s the short version of the story of how I became a loser nerd for the rest of my life--

--Sweet! I totally aced that dinosaur!

Game Over!

Dwayne and Oscar put the guns up and turn to Old Zack.

Sorry old wrinkly virgin ball Zack. We were only half listening.

Guys! The point is that we have to get Zack laid or else he becomes me!

But if we mess with the space time continuum, won’t you disappear.

Of course!

Fuck that. What happens to us when we grow up? Do I own the playboy mansion? Do I become a professional stunt man? What happens to my fuckin dad?

You don’t want to know.

Do I end up winning the world heavyweight championship? Is the NWO real? Who’s running the WWF?

I can't tell you guys any of that stuff, okay? I only came back to meddle with my own future, not yours. If I say anything about your future, who knows whats gonna happen.

I told you to get laid Zack! See what happens to you? You turn into homeless virgin.

Hey! I am *not* homeless! Dwang!

Yea! I’m not gonna be homeless. I’m gonna get laid!... Right guys?

A winning plan is half of a victorious battle.

Is that even english Oscar?

Well... I have *one* idea.

MONTAGE

The kids go around the mall and buy pretty much everything in sight. Cool 90’s kitsch galore. Fireworks, Zima, Orbez, CD’s.

Oscar buys some Korn CD’s and a wrestling T-shirt.

Dwayne buys a helmet, knee, and elbow pads and encourages the other guys to try and knock him around.

Young Zack gets himself some Playstation fighting games.

END MONTAGE

The four of them sit around the food court and sip on sodas and eat doritos.

The cool thing about buying stuff in the past is that it’s all brand new. I remember now how psyched I was to get my first playstation.

Playstation’s the best.

How cool are video games in the future?

Super cool. You wouldn’t believe how awesome they are. They’re in VR! It’s awesome.

Cooool.

I bet you’re like...The best at mortal kombat or something. Do they still make that in the future?

Hell yea! It’s awesome. But... I don’t spend a lot of my time playing games. I’ve been working basically nonstop on this.

Sounds super lame.

Yea, well I needed to come back and fix this part of my life. All my effort went into this little baby.

Old Zack shows them the time watch he uses. It glows a greenish ‘full battery’.

Well guys. I’m still at full power, but we better rest up and get ready to get me laid tomorrow. Right?

I think you mean me.

Right.

The kids all put their fists in the middle to do a group fist bump.

Get Laid on Three. One..Two..Three!

Get Laid!

We can hear the crickets and cicadas chirping at the night.

Old Zack and Young Zack lie in bed together, staring at the ceiling. Old Zack wears some of Young Zack’s sleep clothes, which are way too small.

What’s it like being an adult?

Well... It kinda sucks. All the cool stuff you think that you’re gonna do when you’re a kid, you never really get around to. There’s all sorts of stuff you _have_ to do like... insurance and taxes and worrying about dying and regretting your past constantly...

That sounds really lame.

It is. And the worst part is you have to pretty much have to figure a lot of it out by yourself. Nobody really knows how to help with... time traveling to fix your past.

That sucks man. Does it get easier or does it have fun parts?

I mean. You get to do more things too, because you make a money from being smart. Certain people that you know kinda end up getting stuck in bad habits and end up working shitty jobs and drinking shitty beer for a long time. You lose touch with a lot of people and end up having a tough time connecting with people anymore because you’re always so tired.

Jesus that's depressing.

Well. On the bright side I never have to give anyone a reason why I want to buy anything. And I can go to a theme park or the movies any time I want to. You know.

Well... That’s something... Hey Zack.

Yea Zack.

What if I don’t *want* to get laid by Megan? She’s hot and all... But I dunno. She rejected me. Maybe I should wait on someone more... my speed? Like someone else who’s a loser?

Old Zack chuckles and shakes his head.

No way man. I’ve had twenty years to think about it, and I can definitively tell you that not going to prom and getting laid by Megan Watson is the *number one* reason I turned out like this.

But don’t you think that just being here has changed the future? Like. Seeing you has made me decide to be different in some way?

Nah. There’s only one way to be *sure* that I don’t turn out like this. And that’s fucking Megan fucking Watson. Just relax about it Zack. We’ve got a great plan for tomorrow. Trust me.. yourself.

Okay...

The next day, the boys all sit in Oscar’s beat to hell station wagon.

Old Zack looks substantially less homeless after a beard trimming and hair combing.

Okay everyone. Remember the plan?

Of Course!

Correct. Ready for action.

Are you sure this is the way to go for this?

Trust me Zack.

Young Zack and Dwayne sit on the bleachers while the noises of the gym happen around them.

Jesus Christ Ball Zack! You grow up to be pretty lame man. You better not become that homeless looking guy. It’s like he hasn’t gotten out of his house in *years*.

I know. He freaks me out too. It’s like I somehow forget how to be a regular person.

Like you know how to be a regular person *now*! Hah! Good one!

Whatever... If all it takes is me getting laid to keep from becoming that guy, then what choice do I have. right? I have to get laid. I’m forced to basically.

You act like it’s a big deal. It’s fun to get laid man. It’s awesome. Trust me. I’ve gotten laid like so many times. You just grab them right like this.

Dwayne does some vaguely obscene gestures.

And then you give them this.. And then you do this... And then this.

A whistle and COACH McCREEDY (femme, 40’s, powerlifter frame) hollers at the boys.

Alright everybody, back in for another round. Who’s ready to dodge some balls!

Everyone on the bleachers grumbles and hauls themselves back up and onto the gym floor, where a game of dodgeball has just finished up.

The balls are reset onto the half court line with the kids putting one hand on the back wall.

Zack and Dwayne’s team is against Drew and Keaton’s team. Drew and Keaton smack talk across the dodgeball line.

Who served up the turkeys for us today? Dead Meat!

Yea!

We’re gonna cream you!

You’re gonna cream yourselves!

Dude. Gross.

You’ve got no chance of winning!

(to Zack)

Come on man. That’s not tough at all. Say something really impressive!

I’m gonna... Get you out so hard!

Yea. Not better.

Weird goddamn kids.

The coach blows her whistle and everyone scrambles for the balls.

Keaton runs up and grabs a ball for himself and tosses one to Drew as Dwayne and Zack are too slow.

A couple random kids get out on either side.

Drew launches his ball warp speed at Dwayne nailing him in the head. Dwayne is out!

Score!

Zack grabs the ball and throws it at Keaton, who casually knocks it away.

Keaton throws his ball at Zack. Somehow Zack catches it! Keaton is out!

Un - fucking - believable.

The crowd boils down to Drew and Zack. Drew grabs a ball.

Zack launches the ball at Drew just as Drew launches his at him. Thunk. Thunk. Double out!

The crowd goes wild.

COACH McCREEDY Tie! Good work boys. Hit the showers.

Keaton scowls at Zack as they all file into the locker room.

(to Zack)

Nice one dude!

They fist bump.

Drew walks over to Zack.

Uh, hey Drew.

Good game Zack.

Uh... Thanks.

All the kids are at their lab stations. Zack is paired up with Dwayne and Oscar is at the station by himself.

In through the door walks a poorly disguised Old Zack.

Hello there class, I’m your substitute for the day. My name is “Chris” “Pratt”.

He writes it on the chalkboard.

But you may call me professor star lord.

Keaton is at a lab station with Hog.

What kind of stupid name is that.

Keaton and Hog do a bro-five.

It’s the kind of name that you’re going to love in a couple years. So. Where are we today? Hmm?

I think we’re on electrons.

Everyone in the class except Oscar freaks out.

Jesus Christ Jordan! Please quit freaking everyone out like that.

How does Chris Pratt know your name already?

(searching)

Are you kidding me? Everyone knows about Jordan!

Jordan starts to get very upset, but Oscar puts his hand on her shoulder.

Hey. It’s good. If you get this much recognition as a heel then think about what your face turn is gonna be like.

I don’t know what that means, but thank you for being nice to me.

Alright. So... Let’s talk about electrons.

Old Zack whips out a piece of chalk and begins writing on the board.

Alright. So as you know, electrons carry a negative charge, but the current model that you’ve been taught of having orbits and valences is only partly correct, because at any given time you can know where the electron is in the electron cloud surrounding the nucleus...

In the back of the class, Dwayne, Zack, and Oscar all whisper together.

Oscar, you ready man? Got the suit?

Yea, and the megaphone. I’m ready to Jimmy Hart all over this.

I’m ready too Zack. I’ll jump into any danger you throw at me.

Cool Guys. Alright. It’s almost time.

I need to go set up the entrance!

Cool. I’ll come help you with that.

Oscar and Jordan shuffle off. Oscar comes back for a moment.

Guys, can we be a little nicer to Jordan please? She’s a human being too.

Nicer to who?

To... You know!

Jordan looms over them.

Oh...

I suppose.

Thanks guys!

Oscar and Jordan sneak out the back door of the classroom.

Keaton and Hog notice. Hog throws his hand up.

I gotta go to the bathroom?

No. I’m not done with this explanation.

Keaton elbows Hog.

I really gotta go Mister Pratt. I’m about to pee pee poo poo.

Well.. Okay then.

Thank you!

Hog high tails it out the backdoor and after Oscar and Jordan.

Where was I... Oh! Right! Valence of electrons in the general cloud structure of molecules. Okay. Oh! Also. I got this note from the principal. Zack Oakwood and Dwayne Glenn, please report to the principal’s office.

Young Zack and Dwayne come up to the front desk and and Old Zack hands them some papers. He winks at them as they walk out the door.

Jordan and Oscar are putting together some sort of black cloth and pic pipe entrance way when Hog comes over to interfere.

What’s this? Nerds!

We’re preparing to create an entrance for Zack. He’s going to get laid tonight!

I don’t know Oscar, is he really?

Whatever nerds! Lame!

Hog does a lineman tackle onto Oscar and gets in his face while on top of him.

Just remember. Football equals popular crowd. Popular equals getting laid. Zack is never gonna be one of us, so just give up!

So you’re saying this is an I Quit match?

Shut up! Quit now while you’re behind less.

Sneaking up from behind Hog, Jordan puts him into a full nelson and pulls him off Oscar.

You leave my friend alone!

What the fucking hell?

Jordan suplexes Hog off and away from the two of them.

How are you so strong?

I’m an olympic weightlifter!

A *freak*! You two losers have been warned. It’s on!

Hog leaves. Jordan picks Oscar up off the floor.

What an exquisite display of strength. I... I never knew you could...

I’m on the women’s wrestling team too... Actually... I *am* the women’s wrestling team.

Oscar has stars in his eyes.

Soooo Cooooool!

And the women’s powerlifting team.

AWESOME! Can you pick me up?

Of course.

Inside the school cafeteria’s kitchen, Zack and Dwayne raid the freezer.

They grab duffel bags that have been stashed inside one of the freezers and change into the clothes inside them.

A walkie talkie squawks from one of the duffels.

(over walkie talkie)

Macho Man, come in Macho Man.

Young Zack grabs the walkie and replies.

Macho Man here, Do you read me Sting?

Sting reads you loud and clear. How’s it looking?

We’re almost ready.

Alright. God speed Macho Man..

Young Zack clips the radio to his belt buckle.

You ready Ball Zack?

Hell yea Dwang!

Now, That’s more like it!

Young Zack looks at his wrist watch

Ready? 3...2...1...

The bell rings and the hallway is filled with students of all sorts rushing out of their classrooms.

Among them is Megan Watson, followed by a cadre of vapid, beautiful high schoolers, among them is RACHEL, (17, vacant, redhead, constantly sucking a lollipop). They walk down the hallway to the cafeteria.

At once, she is enveloped by a cadre of football players, Keaton, Drew, et al. They constantly chuck a football back and forth between each other.

What a waste of a perfectly good beach day today.

Right? I could be working on my tan for college.

Or trying to get rid of that last shred of arm flab you have?

Is it that obvi? Oh God, kill me!

I still love you babe. Don’t sweat it.

Ugh. Murder me. Please. Just end it.

Hog enters the cadre.

What were those losers up to?

Stupid nerd shit.

They round a corner, waiting for them there is Dwayne. He’s wearing a helmet and is head to toe covered in pads of all sorts: football, hockey, boxing...

Prepare yourselves dick heads!

He runs at Keaton and tackles him, then makes a humping motion on him.

Suck my dick pretty boy.

You motherfucker!

Keaton shoves Dwayne off him and and hauls his ass off the floor.

The rest of the group gawks in amusement.

Whoa.

Dwayne takes off down the hallway.

Come get me you ball sacks!

Keaton and the rest of the football team chase after him.

Get him!

Megan and Rachel balk for a second, scoff, and then walk into the Cafeteria.

For some reason the lights are off and there’s a wrestling style ‘entryway’ in the middle of the cafeteria now. A bunch of other students are milling around curiously.

What’s this?

Shut. Up.

Jordan walks out from one side of the curtain, dressed like a warrior woman. She holds a large boombox that plays raucous Nu Metal.

Oscar comes out from the other side of the curtain. Dressed up like the most ostentatious wrestling manager that ever lived. He holds a megaphone that he shouts into!

(over megaphone)

Laaaaadiesss and Gentleman. Coming down the ramp, from Glen Haven. Hoover High’s very own ZACK OAKWOOD!

Oscar makes a ‘haaaaah’ noise into the megaphone to simulate a crowd’s cheer.

Zack bursts through the curtain and Oscar and Jordan light off a couple of sparklers inside the cafeteria. His ‘pyro’.

Zack is dressed in a two piece suit with slicked back hair like Rick Rude. He carries a Wrestling title belt with him as he struts down the ramp towards Megan.

Megan and Rachel are transfixed by this whole scenario. As are the rest of the denizens of the Cafeteria.

The lollipop falls out of Rachel’s mouth and cracks on the floor.

Old Zack takes a walkie talkie out and presses it up to the microphone to the School’s PA system. It’s funneling Young Zack’s walkie from the Cafeteria. The whole school can hear what’s going on!

Kids playing dodgeball can hear what’s going on in the cafeteria over the PA

They stop playing dodgeball and listen.

NURSE KELLY (20’s spritely, wearing a nurse’s hat) looks up from her Nokia phone and peers into the PA system.

Keaton, Hog and the other Football players stop chasing after Dwayne and listen to the intercom.

We’ve been tricked! Dammit. Back to the Cafeteria.

Goddamn Nerds!

Zack saunters down the ‘wrestling ramp’ with as much swagger as he can possibly muster. He stops in the middle of his walk towards Megan’s and Rachel and does the most epic flex and pose he can muster. Posturing with his fake title, it has a sign taped to it stating ‘COOLEST GUY IN SCHOOL’.

A bunch more small fireworks go off as Jordan and Oscar twirl different flashlight beams on him.

Zack takes off his shades and throws them aside, along with the ‘title’ he’s been given. He struts right up to Megan and takes her by the hand.

She’s flabbergasted and follows him onto the ‘ramp’

The football guys arrive behind the popular group of ladies and are similarly transfixed by the scene.

Old Zack peeks his head around a corner and watches.

Young Zack motions and Jordan cuts the music and hands him a briefcase, which he opens with a flourish. Zack grabs a ‘contract’ out of the case and hands it to Megan with a Sharpie.

It’s just a piece of paper that has YES and NO on it.

Megan Watson, You’re the coolest girl in school. Would you come with me to the Prom?

Tense silence.

Megan looks around to see everyone staring at her. Rachel mouths ‘Murder Me’.

Megan circles NO.

... No way! You’re a Nerd!

The words echo around the building.

Nerd-Nerd-Nerd

Nerd-Nerd-Nerd

Nerd-Nerd-Nerd

Birds fly off at the sound.

Zack blinks for far too long. He tears up a little.

Megan throws the note down and stomps off clutching her arms in embarrassment.

A banner on the ‘Titantron’ unfurls that says “Congrats Coolest Guy and Girl in School! Class of 1999”

A panting Dwayne arrives next to Oscar and Jordan. Helmet in hand.

Did we do it? Is Zack going to get his dipstick wet finally?

Naw man. Not with her at least.

A failure in every sense.

Inexplicably, Drew, watching this whole thing, begins a slow clap.

Nice man! Nice!

Everyone else starts to clap with him, eyeballing him. Even the football team and Rachel.

Young Zack lies down in the back of the station wagon. Old Zack taps on the window and Young Zack hits the unlock button.

Old Zack hops in the front of the car.

So we had a tough day, right buddy?

Yea. You should know. You lived through it too.

Actually, I didn’t. The things in _my head_ are still the stuff I did the first time around. But yea, I peeked around the corner and saw what happened.

Maybe I should just quit and go home for the rest of my life?

No way. We already did that. That’s the choice that makes this

(he points to Young Zack)

into this.

(he points to himself)

But I don’t want to? Prom is lame and girls suck. High school sucks. Life sucks.

It’s exactly this kind of thinking that turns you into a loser with nothing to show for all the hard work you’ve done. Okay? Fucking think about it!

Young Zack sits up and faces Old Zack head on.

I *have* been thinking about it. I don’t want to become you. I won’t! You’re a fucking loser who has no idea about life.

Good! Glad to hear it! I am a fucking loser.

But can’t I just choose to not become you?

For fuck’s sake, trust me! I’ve had years to think about this and the *only* way to make sure you turn into someone cool is to get laid by Megan Watson. Okay?

That’s never happening.

I dunno then. You at least have to get laid by *somebody* soon, or else I’m cooked!

Old Zack shows the watch off, it’s turning from Green into Yellow!

I don’t know if I’m ready. I mean... We *do* get laid eventually, right?

...

Old Zack slumps in his chair. Ashamed.

... SERIOUSLY?

This is about you! Not me! And FUCK. We are getting you *laid* if it’s the last thing on earth we do.

Old Zack and the gang are hanging out in Young Zack’s room. Oscar is playing a round of fighting game on Zack’s Playstation.

Guys, we have to get me laid by this Sunday night, before I disappear. Okay?

Duh! That’s what I’ve been saying this whole fucking time if you haven’t been listening. Zack needs to get laid, old man ball Zack.

Quit calling me that you hot head.

How about you make me!

Dwayne elbows up to Old Zack and shoves him. He’s surprisingly strong for a small guy.

Guys. Calm down, okay!

Oscar is reading a WWF magazine and there’s an ad for ‘Hot Night Nurses’ on it.

Wait. I think I’ve figured it out--

Zack walks into the nurse’s station with a big bandage over his crotch, moaning.

Ooohhhh. Ouch.

Nurse Kelly, a spritely 20 something, peeks her head into her office.

Hello young man. What seems to be there problem.

I... I have a problem. Down there.

Oh, uh, really? What seems to be the issue.

Young Zack really hams it up.

It’s so-- uh-- swollen!

Young Zack looks back to Oscar and Dwayne hiding around the corner. They give him the thumbs up.

Did you get stung by something.

Oh.. Er... Yes! I was stung by a bee and I need some... _special_ help.

The nurse slaps on some gloves.

Have a seat you poor thing. When did it get you?

Zack has a seat in her office.

Uh.. At lunch! I was sitting out next to the dumpster--

She rifles through the medicine cabinet.

The Dumpster?-- How unusual.

The nurse un-bandages his pants.

Y’a, It’s a big.. uh... Umm..

Okay, Let’s see where you’ve been stung.

Uhh..

He freezes.

Go on. Just keep talking to me about it if it keeps your mind off everything, off with the pants.

Oh.. Uh.. It’s a big garbage bin. You throw all your junk that you... throw...

Young Zack starts to take his bandaged pants off, underwear showing.

The Nurse takes an icepack out from beside the table.

I need you to press this on it.

The nurse puts the bag of ice on his crotch and he makes a face.

Oh, I’m sorry. Is that a little cold?

Nurse Kelly whips around to the cabinet and pulls out an enormous epinephrin injection needle. She squirts it a bit at Zack to intimidate him.

I need it to be numb so I can inject this right into...

She makes eye contact.

Your dick

Oh my god. You’re not going to--

We could just chop it off instead if--

No! No! I’m fi-fi-fine..

Zack tries to get up to leave and the nurse pushes him back onto the chair.

You’re certainly not! You told me you’re having a deathly allergic reaction!

I Uh.. Jesus Christ I’m sorry. I’m actually fine... I have to get going to Chemistry. So Sorry. Big test today. Gotta run!

Zack pulls his pants up and gets the hell out of there. The nurse shouts after him.

If you ever pull another stunt like this kid I’m gonna call your mom!

The nurse is left, literally holding the bag of ice and the big needle, she slowly starts to clean up.

Amateur.

Everyone is gathered back at Zack’s House.

So that didn’t work.

Everyone shakes their head as Oscar still plays the video game.

Great work Ball Zack.

Hey!

Anybody else got a great idea?

Well.. I uh.. Could do it. I guess.

She’s been playing video games against Oscar this whole time.

So... Guys, we talked about this.

How long have you been here?

I always come and hang out with you guys, remember?

What?

Yea. Remember the mall the other day?

You were there for that?

How else did you think I knew about the plan to bang Megan?

Yea/Good Point/Etc.

So... I guess I could do it for you?

The room freezes in uncertainty for a moment.

Whoa... Are you sure?

You’d... You’d do that for me...

Sure. I mean. It would be kinda experimenting for me too.

Wait... What?

I haven’t technically lost my virginity yet. I’ve only really fooled around with girls before.

Oh... Wow.

That explains so much.

Don’t tell my mom though. I’m not ready to let her know.

The lights are off and Young Zack and Jordan sit next to each other on the edge of Zack’s bed.

Young Zack is mortified and can’t move. She trepidly kisses him on his face.

From behind the bed, the rest of the gang watches in horror.

How is he-- you-- doing this?

I have no idea. I thought my face would melt off by now.

Oscar huffs and tries to look away.

Jordan tries to take off Young Zack’s shirt and he freaks out.

Gah! I can’t do this!

Young Zack scrambles up and turns the light on.

Dwayne and Old Zack clap slowly. Dwayne takes out his stop watch.

32 seconds. You owe me a dollar.

Old Zack takes a dollar out of his pocket and slaps it into Dwayne’s hands. Oscar shakes his head.

You took a bet on how long I would last?

And you lost! Ha!

Jordan shoves Dwayne and he flies INTO THE CEILING.

Asshole!

She stomps off and out of the room, in tears. Oscar is amazed by the Dwayne sized dent in the ceiling.

My God, What. A. Woman...

Oscar chases after Jordan.

Well guys. I’m about out of ideas.

I didn’t wanna have to do this, but I got one more ace up my sleeve. But if any of y’all even breathe a word of this to any living soul you’re dead! Got it!?

Jesus. I *really* didn’t want to have to do this.

The crew rambles up in Oscar’s station wagon to ‘Sweet Tease’ a neon rimmed strip joint off the interstate.

What the hell are we doing here?

What the fuck do you think we’re doing here.

I’m not sure about this. You said you were going to get me laid.

You mean me?

Same thing.

Check out all the lights guys. It’s like a real life Wrestlemania.

A hulking bouncer, BIG GREG (40’s, hulking) blocks the entryway. Oscar leads the crew.

I’m gonna need to see your ID.

The bouncer eyes them up and down, full well knowing that they aren’t the proper age to enter the strip club.

Oscar hauls out his learner’s permit driver’s license and slides it into the hands of the hulking bouncer, who eyes it contemplatively. The bouncer lets out a guffaw bellow.

Exactly what do you think you’re doing kid?

Dwayne muscles his way to the front of the group.

Greg. Chill man. They’re with me.

Well, if it isn’t lil’ Dwayne. Shit, Come on in guys. If anybody asks, y’all snuck in.

Big Greg lifts the admission rope for them and admits them into the glitter and booze themed wonderland.

All the boys look at Dwayne in amazement and he GLOWS from the attention.

They walk over the the bar and plop down at the barstools. The motley crew checks out the sad realities of a midday Thursday at a strip joint. A couple hardcore patrons are there, sobering up from hangovers from the night before with more Booze.

A late 30’s woman wearing more makeup than clothes clods over to them. She is MRS. GLENN, Dwayne’s mother.

Dwayne, baby, what are you doing here? Isn’t it a school day?

It’s flag day mom, so we’re off. Right guys?

And who do we have here? Hmm? Who’s this tall glass of water you’ve brought for mommy.

She seductively wraps her tendrils around Old Zack, who winces.

This is Zack’s dad.

Dwayne... This is your mom?

Yep. Got a problem?

No. Of course not. I didn’t expect her to look so hot...

Oh stop it! Soon you’ll be all with the ‘Are you sure this isn’t your sister’?

Mrs. Glenn lets out howl that sounds like a zebra laughing.

My name’s Barbra, it’s nice to meet you. Can I get you a drink? I appreciate you looking after Dwayne.

Of course.. I’d love a cola--

Dwayne butts in.

Anyways. Mom--

--honey you know I don’t like you calling me that when I’m workin’

--Barb, Zack here needs to get laid big time.

Mrs. Glenn clearly thinks Dwayne means Old Zack.

Oh! I’m sure we can find one of the girls who want to make an extra buck today. Or hell. Close your ears lil’ Dwayne, I’m gonna say something really indecent about what I want to do to your friend’s Dad.

No mom. Not Zack... But *Zack*...

Dwayne gestures to Young Zack.

Oh!...Oh?...

Yea... I...

Ah! That’s too bad.

Mrs. Glenn squeezes Old Zack and pats him on the ass. He lets out a little squeak.

You’re 18 right? I know just the girl for a new fellow like you. Here she comes now.

Over the loudspeaker system, the raspy DJ announces:

Coming up to the stage now is LEIA!

The beastie boy’s “Intergalactic” Comes on.

LEIA comes out on stage, she’s barely legal for the club, and wearing a Princess Leia white robe outfit.

Oh. My. God.

She gyrates around a little bit before *whipping* off the outfit to reveal a salacious Chained Leia outfit on underneath it. All the guys are absolutely transfixed.

I thought you’d would like her. Come on, let’s get you that drink Big Zack.

Old Zack snags some bills out of his wallet and hands them to Young Zack discretely.

I.. Uh.. Thanks.

Mrs. Glenn grabs Old Zack’s wrist and leads him to the bar.

The DJ tosses her a lightsaber and she lights it up and gyrates against it.

That’s right! Our very own Leia here is a Jedi, watch as she uses the force to pull your dollar bills right out of your pockets!

Leia does a ‘using the force’ gesture and tries to get men to give her dollars out of their pockets.

Only one guy in the sparse crowd claps and the rest sigh and sip their high dollar beers. They look around in utter boredom.

What the hell is going on? Why won’t anyone give her a dollar? Or ten? or fifty!?

Leia turns her attention to Young Zack and tries to ‘force choke him’.

He plays along and takes out a fistful of bills from his pocket and throws them on stage, satisfying Leia into releasing her hold and gyrating on the stage more.

The song is over. And Leia disappears behind the curtain.

Everybody give it up for LEI-AHH!

The sound of two hungover guys clapping is enormously underwhelming compared to Zack and crew’s reaction.

Oscar is chatting up the BARTENDER. While Mrs. Glenn and Old Zack chat.

So, my man, can I get a Budweiser?

How old are you kid?

Alright then gentle sir. How about a whiskey?

ID?

Perhaps a good old fashioned? I hear they’re quite en vogue.

Mrs. Glen steps away in the background.

Mrs. Glenn walks over to Zack.

Would you like to meet Leia?

Without waiting for an answer Mrs. Glen shoves Zack behind a curtain into the dressing room.

Leia’s putting her clothes back on. She’s sweating and panting from exertion.

Leia, honey, this man here needs a little special attention.

Leia eyes up Young Zack up and down with an eagle like glaze.

Oh... Okay. I think I can handle that.

Young Zack can’t seem to keep an eyeful of Leia for very long before becoming overwhelmed and having to clear his vision.

Let’s go find a room. Zack, right?

Yea. That’s a really awesome Star Wars outfit you have on.

Oh? Then let’s call you Luke Skywalker for tonight.

But... Luke is Leia’s brother.

(didn’t catch it)

Oh that’s nice.

Up in the private spaceship lounge. Leia lays Zack down on the plush couch in the dim black lighting.

So you like science fiction?

Yea. It’s my bag. I’m a total nerd about it.

What’s your flavor?

Well. I love mostly space epics. Star wars.

He gestures at Leia.

So this must be a really cool fantasy for you then. Right? I’m more of a ‘The Matrix’ kind of gal myself. Leather and guns and stuff.

Oh. That movie was so cool. I hope they make a bunch of sequels.

Right? Something about all that ‘what is real’ and ‘what isn’t’ sort of thing. It really makes my head spin.

Cool.

Leia straddles him, starts gyrating.

So what’s your fantasy, hero? We can do whatever you want to.

Well, before you um... start... I... The craziest thing happened to me this week.

Leia starts taking her top off.

Nope... The craziest thing is *about* to happen to you *right now.*

Well... That old guy with me is actually myself from the future!

She stops undressing.

Wait, What!? That’s so cool. How’d you know it was your future self?

Young Zack shows her his birthmark.

Birthmark.

Are you sure it wasn’t a trick or something? That could be a coincidence.

Exactly what I thought, but he showed me this note I had written earlier in the week to ask out this girl I like.

Leia sits back and crosses her arms, sitting on his crotch.

I don’t know. Still seems suspicious.

Well.. He also knew a bunch of other stuff about my life and friends. And I’ve never told anybody this, but he knew what my mom likes to call me when it’s just the two of us. I don’t normally tell people about this, but...

Young Zack motions for Leia to come closer and listen to him. She does.

What? No! And you’ve not told anybody?

Well. Nobody. Except now you I guess.

Oh shit! So now that I know the secret, what if I tell someone else who comes back from the future posing as you? Did you think about that?

Shit.

Yea.

She takes her top off and makes eyes at Zack. Who is still in his head about this.

So what’s this girl you like?

She’s the most popular girl in the whole high school. She’s really pretty.

I’m really pretty.

You are.

So why are you thinking about her right now?

Because my future self said I have to have sex with her, or else I turn out to be a loser.

Leia stops. She leans into Zack’s face and just rests on him.

Luke, you seem super sweet, and not at all interested in getting fucked.

Thanks!

So how about I give you some good advice. I’ve had a lot of sex. And having sex is exactly like telling somebody a secret. Once it’s done, you can’t undo it. Yea, it feels great, but it should mean something to you and not just be about being popular or achieving status.

But my future self seemed really adamant about it, and I never questioned him.

Fuck your future self. This is your life to live. You decide who you tell your secrets to okay?

Old Zack sits with Dwayne’s Mom and has a drink.

And that’s the last time I’m ever going to Daytona for spring break.

Wow. And you kept him?

It just felt right.

I never knew!

Leia and Young Zack emerge from the spaceship room, laughing and holding hands. They walk over to Mrs. Glenn and Old Zack. Dwayne, who’s been hanging with the DJ, walks back over too.

Leia, you really know how to make your mark on a boy.

I bet she left her mark for sure, right guys?

MEANWHILE AT THE BAR

Now I shall request from you a martini. Shaken, not stirred.

No.

A bloody mary. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

No.

Alas! My kingdom for a vodka sour!

I told you kid. No. Fucking. Way.

Damn you!

IN THE GROUP

Leia pecks Young Zack on the cheek.

Call me sometime. If you ever need more advice.

Okay!

Leia pulls out a card and scribbles her name on it. It’s got a sexy picture of her on it.

Now coming onto the stage again. It’s LEIA!

Shit. Gotta jet!

She trots off to dance to ‘Mr. Roboto’

Thanks Barbra.

Dwayne high fives his mom. Who does a little ‘high five’ dance with him. It’s cutest thing Dwayne’s ever done.

Old Zack corrals up the group and hustles them back outside.

Everyone is riding in the station wagon

Remember guys. Not. One. Word. Nobody can know about this place.

I promise I won’t say a thing.

That bartender sucked.

Old Zack, driving, leans over to Young Zack in the front of the car.

So, what was it like?

She was really... nice?

Nice?

I’m glad you finally know what it’s like to get all up in some premium poontang! Umph! Mph!

Dwayne pantomimes having sex.

Well... She let me touch her boobs. But that’s all I really wanted to do. I really liked her and I might take her out to see a movie or something.

Which movie?

(cracking)

That doesn’t fucking matter Oscar! Jesus Zack, what the fuck did you do with all the money then?

Young Zack shrugs and looks bashful.

I just gave it to her. She was really nice to talk to...

Old Zack stops the car in the middle of the road. Cars swerve and honk.

Really nice to talk to?! Have you fucking forgot what is going to happen to you? To us?! I can’t keep living like this man! *You have to get laid.*

A long silence. The awkwardness in the vehicle is palpable.

Jesus Zack. You really grow up to be an asshole.

Oh yea! What do you think you grow up to be? Huh? Well I’ll tell you. You grow up to be dead. Fucking dead! And you!

(to Oscar)

You end up working in the bowling alley for the rest of your shitty life.

Old Zack starts up the car again and drives down the road. Stunned silence in the car.

I... I’m dead?

Yea. You’re dead.

... Wha... What the fuck happens to me?

You get into a fight in some bar with some guy who is drunk and in a fucking gang and they kill you. That’s the whole story! No big deal. You just end up picking a fight with the wrong guy and get dead for it.

... Why the hell didn’t you say something Zack.

Yea Zack! I thought we were friends! Tag team for life!

Don’t look at me guys.

Whatever... It doesn’t matter. I’m just here to get your sorry ass laid. So what the fuck are you doing wasting your time?

They pull up to the Oakwood house and Old Zack shuts off the engine. He shambles out of the station wagon and everyone gawks at him.

Dwayne just sits in the back of the station wagon, stunned. He starts to cry. Oscar puts his arm around him.

Young Zack gets out of the car and corners Old Zack.

Exactly when were you going to tell me?!

I wasn’t! I’m just at fucking my wit’s end here. I’m not here for *them*. I’m here for *me*. For *you*! I can’t let your life turn into what I’ve lived. I just can’t! I will not turn out like this again. I fucking refuse to do it. I will not live this life. I WILL NOT.

Old Zack checks his watch. It’s turning Orange. Young Zack moves away. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

You fucking listen to me. GET. LAID.

I... I dunno.

You *are me*, remember? *I’m you!* I have your best interests at heart. For real! So just get laid! I bet it feels really good man! It’s not like I’m asking you to get shot or kill somebody.

But you’re being such a dick to my friends.

Come on... I was going to tell him eventually. It just was never the right time. Okay? I’m sorry. There. I’ve said it. I’m really sorry and I promise that I’ll be more honest with Oscar and Dwayne from now on. Okay? Come on man. I’m running out of time here.

...

As soon as I take off this watch I’ll transform into whatever I’m going to become in 20 years and then slowly fade back into the future, where I belong.

... So that’s how we’ll know if it ends up working, right?

Yea. But I only get one shot at this thing. Do you see why I’m so desperate now?

Yea. But you don’t have to be such a dick to our friends.

Old Zack ushers Young Zack a few paces off.

(whispering)

I hate to break this to you buddy, but when you go off to college, you’re going to drift off from those two. You don’t even talk to them for a while until you hear from Oscar that Dwayne died.

I’m... I’m not even friends with those guys anymore?

Young Zack looks back over at Dwayne, Oscar, and Jordan in the back of the station wagon, huddled together over a red faced Dwayne, who is sobbing.

No.

Old Zack and Young Zack lie in bed together, staring up at the ceiling.

Hey buddy.

Young Zack says nothing at all.

Yea... I... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be such an ass today. I’m... We’re... Under a lot of pressure. Being an adult sucks, especially if your’e not doing it right. And I guess... For the longest time I wasn’t doing it right. I was risk averse and just...I don’t know... lame? I don’t know how to describe it.

... Can we just go to bed?

Yea... Sorry...

Crickets and street noise.

We just need to get you laid man. After that. I’ll know that I’ll be okay. You know?

Yea. I know.

Hey.. How about the party tomorrow?

What about it?

All the cool kids are going to be there, right?

Right. So?

Old Zack excitedly turns over in the bed.

I can get us booze. You’ll be the coolest kids in school. I’m sure Megan would say yes to you then.

Yea... That actually might work.

Great. It’s a plan. I’m coming too.

Won’t that be suspicious?

Nah.

A weirdly dressed man is loading up his cart with booze. A stoned CLERK comes over to him.

What can I help you with?

The weirdly dressed man turns around and we see it’s OLD ZACK! Trying his best to look like a cool cat in the fashion of the day. His beard has been braided and he wears a denim cowboy hat.

What’s cool to drink now a days?

Uh... We still have some Zima in stock?

Go on.

How about a light beer?

Do kids like that kind of stuff?

I’m sorry... Did you say *kids*?

The clerk giggles uncontrollably.

Oscar, Young Zack, and a visibly stoic Dwayne are packed into the back of the Station Wagon with strangely dressed Old Zack driving them out.

Alright guys, almost to the party. Remember, if anyone asks--

You’re Zack’s older brother. Got it.

Wait.. you’re Zack’s Brother?

(To Young Zack)

How come you never told us you had a brother?

Young Zack rolls his eyes at Oscar. Old Zack rolls up to the house party.

High schoolers in their coolest 90’s gear. Boy band music blares around a swimming pool. Keaton marches right up to the nerds as they enter the party.

Well if it isn’t the lamest kids in the whole school. Hey Hog! Check out who’s trying to sneak in here.

Hog wheels around from the group he’s been enticing and marches himself up as well.

Well if it isn’t the littlest nerd that we were trying to catch the other day. Don’t you think I didn’t know it was you Dwayne!

Dwayne is still in a trance state from the news of his impending death.

Yea. It was me.

Hog shoves him.

What the hell are you thinking nerd!

Dwayne hauls off and punches him. Hog falls down and Keaton is stunned.

No! I... I have to stop doing that!

Before Keaton or Hog can pounce, Old Zack wheels into view. Holding cases of booze.

Hey guys check out what I brought!

Who the fuck are you?

Drew, from across the pool, notices and comes to join the fracas.

Hey! You brought some more drinks, cool man!

Drew grabs the cases and ushers the group into the house. Hog gets back up.

Come on in guys. Who did you say you were?

I’m Zack’s older brother... Chris. I’m in college.

Cool man. Thanks for coming.

I’ve got my eye on you Chris.

Keaton, Hog, chill guys. These dudes just brought a ton of booze. Can’t we let them drink a little of it and hang by the pool? They seem okay.

Keaton grumbles and Hog cracks his knuckles.

Hey you guys.

Keaton and Hog Jump super high.

Show Jordan, Dressed up like she hulk.

This is a costume party... Right?

Nobody is there anymore except Oscar.

Guys?

Whoa....

Drew, Old Zack, and Young Zack move through the crowded and thumping house into the kitchen where Megan and Rachel are standing around the kitchen.

Old Zack hands Young Zack the beer and mouths to him “Get Laid”.

Drew notices old Zack and hangs back.

Young Zack moves to the kitchen and plops all the booze on the kitchen table. Megan and crew are already there.

Jesus, it’s the biggest embarrassment ever...

Rachel Wait... What? Where did you find all this beer? Kill me!

Oh, this? I know some guys at the liquor store.

They move over to inspect it.

Zima? Like seriously? Fucking murder me. Please! I love it so much!

Wait. Is this patron tequila? Zack... Maybe you can do cool stuff.

Rachel and the other girls dig into the bounty and start doing shots.

Hey.. Uh.. Megan, so about the other day. I wanted to let you know that I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of everyone. I didn’t mean to make things awkward.

I mean... I guess you’re making up for it. Can you get more of this?

Of Course!

She giggles and pulls Zack aside from everyone else. His flesh seems to singe at her touch.

Look. About that. I was thinking about it. I guess Prom is tomorrow night and well...

They look over at Drew, who is getting along fantastically with Old Zack for some reason. They cheers beers together and drink. Drew put his arm over Old Zack.

Drew is going out of fashion.

Keaton walks over with Hog and pounds two beers, the look over at Young Zack and step to him and Megan.

This nerd bugging you Megan?

No Keaton. I’m fine.

But he’s a--

I said *I’m fine* Keaton.

Keaton makes to walk off.

Actually... Would you stay for a second?

Keaton perks up and stands over by the two of them.

So... This is a little awkward, but Keaton and I here were talking about the Prom tomorrow night, and we were thinking--

--About going together, well. Congrats. I’m sure you’ll have a great time.

Young Zack sucks air and tries to walk off. Megan grabs him by the arm.

That’s not it. I’ve decided I *do* want to go to prom with you. I mean... I’ll totally go with you. hell.. play your cards right and I might even *fuck* you...Like I said... Drew is well.. falling out of fashion. As you can see.

They all look over at Old Zack and Drew.

I.. Uh.. That sounds great, but what’s the catch.

Well.. We’re looking to make an extra special memory for prom night. And to do that. We’re gonna have to embarrass the shit out of some poor geeks.

Keaton and Hog have joined up now and they’re starting to chuckle. Rachel takes the lollipop out of her mouth in time to do a shot of tequila and chant.

Ca-rrie! Ca-rrie! Ca-rrie! Fucking MURDER ME.

Rachel! Damn it. Keep it down! We have to keep it a surprise.

Wait... What exactly are you talking about?

I guess we need you to help us out here. I mean. You’re bringing booze and all, and we need an inside man. We’re doing the annual kissing booth at homecoming tomorrow night, but I wanted to give your stupid friends a shitty surprise.

We want to dump a porta potty all over them!

Fucking. Murder them. Right?

Keaton and Hog bro-five and holler.

Young Zack looks out the window to see Dwayne and Oscar talking to Jordan over by the poolside. They fist bump as she hulk Jordan puts her arm around Dwayne and Oscar. Dwayne is starting to lighten up.

But.. My friends.

Megan makes his head turn back to the populars forcefully with her hand.

(whispering)

Do you want this poon, or don’t you?

Yea.. I ..

She kisses him. Keaton and Hog gawk and gulp.

Ohhhhh! Shit! This Nerd just got made!

Young Zack stumbles away after she releases her grasp. Megan cruelly grins and takes a shot Rachel offers her.

Fucking kill me, right? Shotskis!

They cheers and swill as Young Zack stumbles back into the Den where Drew and Old Zack are talking.

--Which makes time travel possible..

No way man! That’s dope!

I never thought you’d be so into nerdy stuff like this. I thought--

Totally. I’m into all sort of stuff.

Zack, I mean... Chris Pratt. We need to talk.

Oh hey there Zack! Let me introduce you to Zack, from the future!

Young and Old Zack shake hands jauntily.

A word. Now.

Young Zack leads Old Zack to the bathroom and shuts the door.

Young Zack and Old Zack lock the door and stand face to face.

What’s up?

You won’t believe what just happened.

Same here. Did you know that Drew figured out who I was faster than Oscar? --

Never mind that right now. Megan just said she’s gonna fuck me.

What?! That’s awesome! Tonight?

A knock on the door.

I’m never going to get used to that.

Never mind that. When are you fucking Megan?

Tomorrow at prom night, but here’s the thing. I have to set up my friends to porta potty dumped all over them to do it.

Oh god that’s gross. I can’t believe it.

You.. I.. We.. Just can’t do this. Right?

Old Zack thinks a bit too long.

Right?!

Dude! We have to! Remember... You’re gonna be *this?*

He motions to himself.

Dude. I don’t know if I--

Old Zack shoves him up toward the doorway.

You have *no idea* what it’s like to live like this man. You don’t have any clue what life is going to be like in 10 years, 5 years, fuck you have no idea what the first day of college is going to be like and *I do*. Listen to me. Fuck your friends. You’re gonna make new ones. Better ones. And this thing... This getting laid thing... It’s the first step on your ladder to success... You hear me..

A knock on the door.

Fucking busy I said.

Old Zack realizes how much of a monster he must seem and places Young Zack back where he was, straightening out his shirt.

Alright. I’ll do it.

I’m glad to hear it. Good. Now lets go have some fun.

Young Zack gets dressed in a Tux and Old Zack does as well.

A knock on the Door.

Zack! Can I come in?

Shit. Hide!

Old Zack ducks under the bed.

Come on in mom!

Mrs. Oakwood opens up the door and examines her son standing in front of her. A proper, tall, gentleman.

Oh Zack. You’re all grown up now.

She moves over and straightens out his tie to his black tux.

You look just like your father right now.

Oh mom. Come on.

He feigns away from her but she won’t have it.

I’m serious. Just like him. I swear you’ve grown up right before my eyes in what seems like a month or shorter.

She sighs and tries not to shed a tear.

It’s all over far too soon...

Young Zack moves over and hugs her.

Oh mom. Come on. Don’t cry. I’ll be fine. It’s just the homecoming dance. It’s really not a big deal.

Mrs. Oakwood sorts herself out and grabs an instant camera out from her purse.

Say cheese!

Cheese!

She snaps the picture and hands it to Young Zack, who flails it around trying to get it to dry.

Well, no use for me staying in the house tonight, I’m going to go catch a flick at the cineplex. You be good now and try not to get home too late.

Okay Mom.

I love you little Zacky.

BEHIND THE BED

(to self)

Little Zacky...

He furrows his brow with remorse. He shakes off the feeling.

BACK TO THE TWO

Oh come on mom.

Have a great time tonight! I expect a full report in the morning!

Mrs Oakwood hugs him tight one more time and exits.

Old Zack composes himself and pops his head back out from the bed.

Ready?

Yea... I’m Ready.

You got this buddy.

The gym has been converted into a make shift dance floor with a DJ stand by the basketball hoops.

Nobody is there just yet, except Young Zack, walking alone in the gym floor.

Out from the shadows pop a too cool Keaton and Hog, dressed as well as possible for a swine.

Hey Dork!

Hog, Megan said we can’t mess with Zack anymore. He’s cool for now.

Hog looks him up and down. Rolls his eyes at Keaton.

If she says so.

You ready to set this up bro? Oh man. I can’t wait to see the look on those losers faces.

Keaton tries to do the bro-five with Zack, who messes it up completely.

You got the porta potty?

We’ve got a couple. They’ve been at my dad’s construction site for months. So yea. We’ve got a ready and waiting stable of porta potty. Heh.

Hog cracks his knuckles.

The gang has set up three porta potties in a row quite dashingly disguised as Kissing booths. Keaton is showing Zack how to use the contraption it.

We’ve decorated up the outsides so nobody has any clue about all the shit and piss in here. Then we cut new doors on the other side. Here’s how it’s all gonna work.

Keaton demonstrates as he speaks. Hog chuckles.

Megan and Me and Rachel are each going to act like we’re going into these ‘kissing booths’, and then, you’re going to personally invite your friends Dwayne, Oscar, and Jordan to do the booths. Then, when they take the bait, we all escape out the back door and lock them in. Then, blammo! We tip them over and instant shit fountains.

Hog snorts in laughter

Yea... That sounds really cool.

Keaton muscles up to him.

Remember the deal you made nerd... And don’t think that I don’t know you’re a nerd. NERD!

Hog shoves him.

Yea! NERD!

The gym is filling up and the DJ has started playing some of the best hits of the 90’s.

Dwayne and Oscar file up to Young Zack, all in better spirits.

Hey Ball Sack Zack. What happened to you at the party last night, we were all over the place looking for you?

Yea man, way to pull a Sting in the rafters on us.

Sorry guys. I had someplace I had to be.

Hey there guys.

For once, Dwayne and Young Zack are totally silent upon Jordan’s appearance.

Jesus Christ! Jordan!

Jordan, the burly wrestling champion, has poured all her curves into a delightful dress that makes her look like a million bucks.

What, Dwayne, Zack? Are you guys okay? Normally you’d all be screaming right now.

I think what they mean to be saying is that you look astounding tonight Jordan.

Why thank you Oscar! You don’t look half bad yourself.

Oscar is at a loss for words, he gets red in the face.

Old Zack is in the corner of the room, behind the bleachers, and catches the eye of Young Zack. He summons him over.

Sorry guys. Gotta go.

Young Zack scampers off.

THE BLEACHERS

What?

Are you ready to go through with this?

I... I mean, what choice do I really have? Dump shit all over my friends or grow up to be the biggest loser in the world.

That’s right. So you know what you need to do.

Yea... But I--

--No fucking butts anymore dammit. Fucking do it you Ball Zack. Look at this fucking battery.

Old Zack shows Young Zack his watch, the battery is showing a ‘low power’ signal. It’s now or never.

Just then, Megan and Rachel walk over.

Old Zack hustles out of the gym, knowing he might blow young Zack’s cover.

Hey Zack. I just wanted to come say how cool I think it is that you’re in with us now.

Fuck yea. I mean. Like. Shut the fuck up! Right?

Rachel. Shut up.

I know! Shut the fuck up! Right?

Seriously Rachel. Shut the fuck up.

Right? Murder me!

Megan grabs Rachel.

No Rachel. I really mean that I want you to shut the fuck up right now and go wait for me over by the boys. Now. Do it.

Right. Sorry.

Megan watches Rachel stomp off, when she is far enough out of sight, Megan pushes Zack beneath the bleachers.

Ow. What are you doing?

A deal is a deal. I’m here to prove that I’m ready to fulfill my end of this.

She shoves him down to the floor and hikes up her dress. Our view is obscured by Zack’s head.

I promised I’d fuck you Zack. I’m wearing my sexy underwear, so just know that I’m ready when you are.

Zack is aghast.

All you have to do is betray your loser friends.

She puts her dress back down and leaves.

Shit. Shit! Shit!

Kids are dancing all around and Zack can’t help himself but sit on the bleachers. His friends nearby.

Come on Zack. Let’s cut the rug man!

Yea! Do this cultural ritual together!

Whoooo!

Everyone seems to be having fun except Young Zack.

I’ll be right out there.

Young Zack looks over at the popular kids, who are all phalanxed around a raving mad Rachel and Megan.

Old Zack steps out from the school for a second to get some fresh air. He walks a few paces, then sees the old dumpster where he used to eat lunch with his friends.

He slowly inspects the scene, then takes a seat in what used to be his usual spot.

He smells the air and curdles his nose.

Out of nowhere, we hear the clunking noise of someone throwing away garbage into the large dumpster behind him.

Old Zack turns to see Mr. Young there, in his janitorial uniform as usual.

Old Zack stands up with a start.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to spook you.

It’s no problem. I’m sorry, I'm--

Zack Oakwood.

Funny, I don’t remember meeting you before.

Mr. Young saunters over to Old Zack and pats him on the shoulder.

Of course you don’t. It’s because we haven't met yet.

Old Zack’s eyes go wide.

Wait. Are you one of those lottery cops? I swear to god I wasn't fucking with the timeline or anything.

Relax Zack. I'm just here to make sure you don't go off the rails. But, I wonder... Are you going to go through with betraying your friends today? Not this version of you sitting with me, of course. But the one in the gym right now.

MR. Young wipes off his hands and pulls a flask out of his janitor jacket. He takes a swig and offers it to Zack, who accepts.

In the background we hear the DJ announce something over the microphone

Now it’s time for your homecoming traditions!

I’m afraid we don’t have a lot of time for me to do much explaining. So let me get down to brass tacks.

Okay..

Let’s say for a moment that you never came back from the future. And that you had to live your life like everyone else does, just trying to make the best choice from moment to moment.

But I *did* come back from the fu--

-- Zackary, Zackary, time is of the essence here. Please.

Go on.

So in this thought exercise, you *don’t* come back from the future, and instead what do you do? How do you make your decisions?

I guess that I would have to make them like everyone else...

Which is to say..

I only get to make choices based on what I know, and I can't get a re-do on a decision. I'm on the leaf node always, never able to move back to the root node of a moment and choose another branching path.

So logical. Just like the director. But not 100%. There’s something missing besides all your *facts* and *figures*. Something besides *the truth* that you haven't even thought of.

What then? What could possibly be missing?

Come on Zack! Think! It's the intangable. It's more than *choice*! It's fate!

That's bullshit. Fate isn't real. If you can’t know or measure it then it doesn’t exist.

Oh please. You think fate is some divine arm swooping down and moving you around like a pawn? No. Fate is a sea. It's an OCEAN! The Ocean of the choices of others that we float in.

Mr Young Laughs and raps Old Zack on the Back. Using finger quotes on the next part here.

So, all the times someone else laughed at me for being a loser, someone bumped into me because they weren't looking. That was fate?

Yea. But fate isn't just something that works against you. Fate works for you to. The people that you're closest to you make choices every day to affect your fate. Oscar, Dwane, Leia, they all made choices that affected you. Well, not this you, but the one that I know.

Do.. Do I know you?

Like I said. Not yet. But soon.

What am I like? In the future?

Much like this, but different. One thing is for sure. You believe in fate. Hell. You taught me this. So I'll do you a favor, and teach you. What's fate? Fate is a choice that someone else makes. And what fate has affected you the most? Let me ask you something. What did you tell yourself the other day to convince teeanage you that you and he were the same?

We see Old Zack proving to Young Zack that they are one and the same.

CLOSE ON: Old Zack speaking into Young Zack’s ear.

Little Zacky.

The sound of it echoes.

BACK TO PRESENT

It was just a shibboleth. Something to let him know...

... It was fate. The fate of Mother’s Love. Something that can’t be measured. Like...

--Which means I’m not taking into account...

Old Zack bolts back off into the gym.

See you later!

The DJ finishes up playing a catchy tune. He’s the same one from the Strip Club!

Alright boys and girls it’s time for the annual Kissing Booth!

Young Zack hangs back with his nerd friends.

What’s up dude? You’re acting all weird. Are you getting laid tonight or something and don’t want to talk about it?

I don’t know. I’m sensing a heel turn.

What does that even mean?

Guys. You know I’ve always liked being friends with you...

That’s right folks! The coolest kids in school are lined up and almost ready.

Let’s get to the front of this line? Right guys?

Dwayne starts weaving his way through the crowd, followed closely by Oscar and Jordan. Young Zack hesitantly trods behind.

They make their way up to the front of the crowd, Megan et al spot them. They sidebar.

Nice! He’s going to pull through.

Fuck me.

She covers her mouth abruptly.

Hog moves up to the DJ booth and hands the DJ a slip of paper.

Alright, I’ve just been handed this announcement. It seems that Megan, Rachel, and Keaton are headed into the kissing booth. They’re the most desirable as voted by your peers!

ASIDE

Drew nods his head in the crowd.

Cool. I would have voted for them too.

BACK TO IT

Megan, Rachel, and Keaton hop into their ‘kissing booths’.

INSIDE MEGAN’S BOOTH

Megan tries as much as she can to hold her breath. Flies buzz.

INSIDE RACHEL’S BOOTH

Fucking Murder me already. Gross!

INSIDE KEATON’S BOOTH

Keaton gags and spits on the floor.

Shit.

OUTSIDE

Let’s draw the three lucky names that are going to be joining them this year! Who’s it gonna be!?

The DJ plays a cheesy drumroll SFX.

BACK TO ZACK

Young Zack looks around furtively at his friends.

Guys. I’m...I'm bored! Let’s go hang out somewhere else.

Nonsense. We’re at this dance, and you’re going up there to get kissed and then laid by Megan, right?

The tension! The agony! Le Petit Mort!

Well... Megan said that she’d lay me tonight anyways.

What! That’s awesome!

Wha? Good for you Zack!

The Z-Man! Tonight! Getting RAW!

They all rough him up and pat him on the back...

OVER BY THE DJ

Hog gets fed up and hands the DJ more slips of paper with a twenty dollar bill.

This just in, with an astonishing turn out. It looks Like DWAYNE GLENN, OSCAR REID, and JORDAN BELLHOUSE have been randomly selected to be the kissing partners tonight. Everybody let’s let them know how lucky they are.

The DJ puts on some corny porno music and the audience claps.

BACK TO THE GROUP

What the fuck? It must be our night guys! let’s go!

It’s a heel turn for sure!

A beautiful Jordan scampers off after a bolting Dwayne and Oscar.

Young Zack catches up with them just as they’re about to hop into the ‘kissing booths’.

Guys! Wait!

Their hands are on the door handles.

What the fuck dude? Just because you’re banging her later doesn’t mean Ol’ D here can’t get a little make out session in first?

It’s not that. It’s a trap. It’s a trick.

What? You sold us out Zack.

Yea. I mean I was going to. I’m sorry you guys. I got so wrapped up in listening to myself. Er.. Not me me, but that asshole from the future. I forgot what it was to be friends with you all.

I can’t believe it.

I know. I’m sorry. And you know what? Getting laid isn’t that important to me anyways. I really don’t give a fuck about it. I just can’t stand the thought of growing up to be constantly alone and sad.

Dude! This is worse than when Macho Man turned on The Hulkster!

Old Zack comes trotting in to meet with the gang. Young Zack waves him away. He comes anyways.

They stare at each other for a second.

Wait... What?

I figured it out. I figured out what went wrong.

Yea, you didn't get laid. We've heard that a zillion times.

No, it's not that. It's-- It's care! It’s caring Zack. We forgot about caring! You.. I ... We.. ended up forgetting about Dwayne and Oscar and --you look really nice-- Jordan and Mom and Dad. That’s really what it was about man.

But you said I had to get laid.

I was wrong. It’s not about getting laid. Jesus. Why couldn’t I have figured that out earlier. It’s about caring for the people you *have* in your life. They're the ones who shape you. And without them I shaped myself into.. Into this. I guess it was because I didn't *care for myself*.

The ‘kissing booths’ stir.

Where are the winners? We’re waaaatiiiing for an epic makeout session!

What do we do you guys...?

They all look at each other, they know *exactly* what to do.

Jordan, Oscar, Zack, Let’s do this.

Young Zack goes to the backs of the porta potties and locks each one by one. Old Zack holds back and just watches.

Megan, Rachel, and Keaton, sensing something wrong, try to open the front doors of the ‘kissing booth’ and find themselves locked in.

What the *fuck* is going on?

Not so fast nerd!

Hog has the drop on Young Zack!

Shit. It’s the hog!

With a whistle, an army of padded football players appear behind Hog, to the side of the ‘kissing booth’. He is about to give the signal to tackle!

Megan knew you might do a double cross. Get em guys!

Wait!!!

Dwayne comes between Hog and Young Zack! The footballers are stopped in their tracks.

For *what* nerd?

Normally... I’d fight you guys down to the last man. Because I’m super fucking crazy like that.

And?

But I've changed. Now, I must choose the path of peace.

Dwayne makes a weird ‘kung fu’ gesture to them and bows.

Shut the fuck up! Get em guys.

The whole football team chases Oscar, Dwayne, Old Zack, and Young Zack through the gym.

The DJ plays a techno awesome theme.

Just me then? Fine!

With a Herculean effort Jordan hulks over the porta potties containing Megan, Rachel, and Keaton, who get shit all over themselves falling to the floor.

Oh my god.

Shit!

Gross!

MEANWHILE ACROSS THE GYM

Our heroes try to hide in the locker room and find it full of dodgeballs.

Guys! I’ve got an idea guys! Keep em' busy!

We'll tag team them!

Old Zack, Young Zack, and Oscar chuck balls at the jocks, barely keeping them occupied.

Dwayne hustles over to a corner and pulls out a cell phone. He calls someone.

Dwayne! Can’t you just fight these guys?

(yelling over the fracas)

No! If I fight them I die eventually! Remember?

It’s not today... Trust me!

Doesn’t matter! I'm a pacifist now.

He fumbles a little more with the phone.

Mom! Yea, having some trouble at the dance, Can you come pick me-- He's what? With the DJ? Thanks mom! Love you!

The football team is nearly on top of them.

Having trouble here!

The NWO invasion is too much for the WCW!

Dwayne opens up the back door and in a flood of light is none other than BIG GREG and his FRIENDS.

You need some help here little Dwayne?

Yes please.

Big Greg cracks his knuckles and motions to his crew. They stomp their mighty selves over to the onslaught of Jocks, who flee at their very presence! Only HOG is foolish enough to attempt Greg and is resoundingly stuffed into a locker.

Please Enjoy the Rest of the Dance Gentlemen!

This isn’t the last of this Nerds! I’ll get you!!!!

One of Big Greg's friends picks up a dodgeball from the floor and hucks it with a mighty trajectory at the football player's Beefy head. He is knocked silly from it.

The gang laughs and hollers! They all fist bump.

A shit stained Keaton, Megan, and Rachel line up against the back wall of the school. Rachel is still somehow sucking on her trademark lollipop.

This is all your fault Megan! If you’d never thought to be so damn mean to those nerds--

*My* fault? This whole shit torture idea was the concept of you and that stupid Hog friend of yours.

The school nurse opens up a water hose straight in their faces. It’s cold, cold water.

They dance and scream.

Fucking murder me.

Totally!

IO love this part of the job.

The porta potty / kissing booth area has been cordoned off and Mr Young is patiently taking a mop and bucket to it.

The DJ plays a slow jam as Oscar and Jordan dance happily.

I thought you said you’ve only liked girls...

... So far... I might make an exception for you tonight Oscar.

Eat your heart out Triple H!

Drew dances with a broom in the crowd, miming a lady.

What’s your name dear? Really? Sounds exotic.

Dwayne, Old Zack, and Young Zack sit on the bleachers.

I didn’t hit anyone! How about that?!

It’s a good start. Keep it up.

Right? I’m gonna go see if Big Greg has any cigarettes. I should celebrate!

I don’t think that’s a smart move man. Take care of your self, remember!

Dwayne steals a glance at Old Zack. Silently asking him a question. Old Zack gives him the ‘I don’t know’ shoulder motion.

Yea... Well... I should probably tell him thank you at least. Be back in a sec guys.

He trots a distance, then redoubles back to Young Zack.

Hey Zack... Thanks for not selling me out.

Dwayne and Young Zack fist bump each other.

Ball Zack.

Dwayne jogs out of the building, throwing the peace sign.

Old Zack looks at Young Zack, puts his arm around him.

Hey buddy. What a great prom, right?

Yea man. It was nuts.

Old Zack looks at his wristwatch’s dwindling battery supply. It flashes red now.

Well. It looks like I’m just about out of time...

Young Zack pulls out the polaroid his mom took from his jacket pocket and hands it to Old Zack.

Here’s something to remember me by...buddy... Have a good time in the future.

Well, let's see what’s gonna happen to me... Well..

Old Zack looks longingly at the picture and puts it into his pocket. He straightens himself out.

Nervous?

Yea.

Young Zack stands up and walks over to Old Zack, takes his hand.

Don't be. Don't worry. I'll take care of you.

Thanks man. I'm counting on it.

He slowly takes the watch off and clicks it’s side button. It makes a ‘dong’ sound once, like the chime of a pendulum clock.

Old Zack starts being covered in a magical glowing dust! It forms into a skin covering, lighting up the whole room.

The crowd ‘ooh’s at what they assume must be a cool disco ball. The DJ follows suit and plays something cool for the dance.

OLD ZACK beaks out of the glowing covering and transforms into COOL OLD ZACK.

Cool Old Zack has a nice haircut and wears glasses with a button down shirt and jeans. Imagine tomorrow’s graphic designers. He’s got tattoos too, a sleeve to be precise. On one arm we see a portrait of Princess Leia with Han Solo. The other tattoos are of various nerd cred and of unknown origin.

Coooooool.

Thanks buddy. They didn’t hurt as bad as you thought they would.

They fist bump each other. Cool Old Zack leans over to Young Zack.

See you soon little Zacky.

Cool Old Zack starts being covered in magical glowing dust again, except this time it turns into glowing powder which is sucked into the ‘watch’ apparatus, levitating in midair.

Once all the dust is sucked up, the watch falls to the ground and cracks the screen, rendering it broken.

Over in the Corner, Mr. Young stops mopping for a second and turns around.

Young Zack bends down to pick up the watch and examines it. Mr. Young is there before we see him move across the room.

I'll take that Zack.

Actually, I'd like to keep--

We wouldn't want to call your mother and explain how four porta-potties worth of feces wound up on the dance floor would we?

Young Zack wisely hands over the watch.

See you later, friend.

Meanwhile, in the

Mrs. Glenn, still in stripper attire, trots in with a street clothed Leia in tow. Zack is transfixed with Leia.

Have you seen Dwayne? Is he okay?

He’s fine! Out talking to Big Greg. He’s such a nice guy, greg.

Oh. He’s a sweetheart alright. I hope he can help keep my boy out of a trouble though.

I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that anymore. He’s a pacifist now.

What? My Dwayne? Maybe you're thinking of another word...

She clacks off to go find Dwayne.

Leia leaps onto Zack and gives him a hug.

Is old you gone?

Yea. I... Just before he left, I got to see him turn into me... from the future...I got to see me... From 20 years from now!

He grabs her hand and they start to walk off.

That’s fucking bad ass!

And we got chased around by the football team--

--I was thinking. About before. I called you Luke. I have to confess. I hadn’t seen Star Wars before.

I could tell. It’s okay.

So I watched it last night, and I think that we should be calling you Han from now on.

I’m good with that. Want to go see Episode One when it comes out?

Sure. It looks awesome! You buying?

Are you kidding me? You owe me at least one movie ticket from the other night.

I don't owe you shit! You got your money's worth and more! Most people I charge double to hear them talk out their problems.

Oh yea? so why didn't you?

Because I like you. So you just pay for the movie. Okay?

Sure.

Zack pauses his walk and looks over at Leia.

So, I guess it's too late to get laid?

Oh please, It's barely 10 o'clock.

She winks at him and leans in, kisses him. Suddenly all Zack's friends are crowding around him, giving an 'OOOOooooooOOOOOOO!' that he's getting kissed.

He opens his eyes, Everyone laughs.

CREDITS

POST CREDITS

The bus driver sits in the classroom, looking at the computers.

Oh yea... That’s the stuff

*click* The lights are turned on in the room. Mr. YOUNG stands in the doorway.

Shit.