A hot, rainy, summer afternoon in Miami, Florida. A worn out ice cream truck barrels down a four lane highway. Its wipers splash water everywhere as it plinks out classic ice cream truck music.

The driver of the truck, PEDRO MALO (30’s), a grungy Hispanic man with a Pancho Villa mustache, smokes a cigar. He flicks ash into a bucket of vanilla ice cream.

Outside the truck, two black sports cars speed out of nowhere and pin the truck onto the road. It can't escape.

The passenger door on the leading car opens upwards like a Lamborghini and reveals DAVID LOWDE (late 20’s), a rough, unshaven man with a tangle of black hair and something to prove.

Driving the car is MATT SQUEALER (mid 30’s), overweight, balding man with a slobbery voice.

All your undercover work comes down to this big bust David. I know we need this one, but don't blow your cover!

Just keep your eyes on that rocky road. I’m going to get onto that truck.

Can’t we just pull them over?

I’m going to make this bust myself.

But that’s against the rules!

I don’t give a damn about the rules.

I knew you’d say something like that.

The ice cream music is still going. Pedro sweats and twitches. He looks at the black cars with wide eyes.

In a flash of lightning he sees someone about to jump on his truck. The cigar dangles dangerously in his mouth and drops into the bucket of vanilla ice cream.

Policia...

Pedro opens the glove compartment and pulls out a cell phone and a large revolver. He fumbles with the PHONE.

The lead car pulls close to the truck. David leaps onto the front of the ice cream truck.

He lands hard on the hood and slips down on its rainy surface to the edge where a decorative ice cream cone ornament slams against his crotch and stops his fall.

Did you want nuts with that cone?

Come on...Rapido, Rapido....

The voice on the phone is prerecorded.

Please hold while the Notell Customer you are trying to reach is located.

The rain and music intensify. Pedro blows the horn and fires a shot towards Lowde out of his revolver.

The chase cars bump and jostle the truck and the shot misses.

The ice cream music evolves into a bastardized techno-rific chase theme.

Please hold while the Notell customer you are trying to reach is located.

OUTSIDE THE TRUCK

Lowde spits his gum onto the truck’s windshield and the wipers spread the pink goo till it covers the whole thing.

The Mexican curses and hits the horn.

INSIDE THE TRUCK

BURRITO GRANDO!

Please hold while Notell transfers you to their Spanish speaking services.

ARGH!

OUTSIDE THE TRUCK

Lowde shimmies up the cab of the truck and onto the roof of the truck. He finds a locked hatch on the roof, takes out his pocket knife and flips around to a screwdriver.

INSIDE THE TRUCK

Pedro is still on the phone. He shoots blindly out the front window and swerves from side to side. The chase cars somehow keep the truck on the road.

Please hold while the Notell Subscriber you are trying to reach is taught English.

OUTSIDE THE TRUCK

On the top of the truck Lowde pulls more things out of his pocket knife.

A lock pick. He tries it on the door and it doesn't work. He tosses it over the side of the truck.

A saw blade. Again, he tries it and throws it over the side.

A Rubik’s cube. He solves it and throws it aside.

INSIDE THE TRUCK

Please hold while the Notell Subscriber you are trying to reach reads our terms of services contract.

OUTSIDE THE TRUCK

Lowde pulls out a Russian vodka bottle. He takes a swig and pitches it.

He pulls out a Cologne bottle. He gives himself a little spritz.

A painting easel. He paints the door and throws it away.

I could sure use a hand on this door...AHA!

He takes a mannequin hand out of the pocket knife and he uses it on the hatch. It opens and he plops down into the back of the truck.

INSIDE THE TRUCK

In the rear compartment of the truck are large ice cream containers that are labeled with “Anything But Drugs”.

Lowde touches an earpiece in his ear.

I found our load.

Are you looking in a mirror or something?

No, I mean the drug shipment.

Oh good. Now go arrest our man.

Please hold while the Notell Subscriber you are trying to reach learns the secret handshakes.

Pedro groans and shakes his head. David sneaks towards the cab ready to strike. Pedro spies him in the rear view mirror and fires a shot that barely misses.

David ducks behind a freezer in the back. He opens the lid and finds it full of ice cream sandwiches. He reaches in and grabs some.

Here is your Notell Subscriber. Here he comes. Let’s hear it for your Notell subscriber.

Come on already!

David throws the sandwiches at the front seat. They splatter everywhere and make a big mess. Pedro returns fire with his gun.

A heavily accented Asian voice picks up on Pedro’s phone.

Hello. Who is calling?

In the back, David searches for a weapon to replace his dwindling ice cream supply. An ice cream scoop catches his interest.

It's Pedro.

Who?

The guy with the ice cream truck full of drugs.

Pedro pops his gun at David a few times.

Oh. What’s the problem?

I need to talk to her. The Chica.

Yes sir, Please hold.

No!

Yes!

David leaps into action. He rushes the cab of the truck, throws Pedro’s gun out the window, and decks him with one fell swoop. Pedro punches him hard in the gut.

A sensual woman’s voice picks up on the phone.

It's Anita. What do you want?

David has Pedro in a choke hold.

It's the Gringo. He's undercover cop. They got the shipment.

A grunt of disgust from the phone.

Cole is not going to be happy to hear this.

The phone goes dead. David holds the scoop menacingly to Pedro’s throat. The music crescendos.

Looks like I’ve scored quite the scoop here.

Okay. Time out.

The music slows to molasses. David is unsure what to do. They release their grip on each other.

All right...But only a minute.

Gracias gringo.

David goes to the back of the truck and checks his watch. He does some stretches.

In the passenger seat of the van, JOSE, another Hispanic man, sits and eats an ice cream bar. He wears a Mickey Mouse T-shirt and pays no mind to the previous chaos.

Hey, Jose. Psst. Oye!

What man?

Could you drive for a second man?

You know it's unsafe to eat while driving. Same as texting. It’s irresponsible to --

-- I know...But maybe? Just this once?

No way man. I used to have a cousin who would eat and drive and he exploded--

-- I'm kinda in a jam man. Please?

Oh. Okay then.

Pedro crawls out of the seat and goes to the back of the truck. Jose crawls over and drives.

It’s really hard to find good help nowadays.

I'll hear that.

David continues to stretch by doing increasingly difficult yoga poses. While David is in the middle of one of his poses, Pedro winds up and hits him with a sucker punch.

That was my scorpion pose.

David and Pedro exchange blows. The fight is fierce. David rips Pedro’s mustache off. Pedro pokes David in the eyes. Each action matched by a surge in music.

An old lady in a puppy and kitty sweater knits and watches a security feed of the fight.

Ouch...Ooof. You get him young man!

Pedro pummels David and beats him down. It looks like David is defeated. Pedro comes in for a huge punch to his head and David rolls away. Pedro connects with a bucket of strawberry syrup instead.

David punches him and causes him to stumble into the back of the truck. David grabs two ice cream cones beside him and smashes them into Pedro’s chest, like a pointy bra.

The two stumble even further into the back of the truck. David takes a scoop from the freezer. Scoops some vanilla ice cream and shoves the treat into Pedro’s eyes. Pokes his eyes.

They stumble impossibly further into the back. David grabs some chocolate syrup and pours it all over Pedro, punches him.

The two stumble further into the back of the truck. The interior of the truck is too long to match the exterior.

David grabs a javelin missile launcher and aims it at Pedro. He pulls the trigger and a blast of colorful sprinkles pepper Pedro.

The music strains to continue. The two stop. David grabs a cherry from a cabinet, places it on Pedro’s head, and finally shoves him out of the back door of the truck.

Pedro is being read his rights as several officers eat the ice cream off of him. David walks over to one of the chase cars and plops into it. Matt is stuffed inside.

I did everything I could, and he still blew my cover.

Maybe if you’d done this according to the book, you’d still be undercover. The commissioner is gonna be pissed at you. I don’t know, maybe everyone will just forget that you’re a cop. Give it a couple days.

Matt...Nobody "just forgets" that I'm an undercover officer. Now that word's out on the street, I’m history if I step foot out there.

Well. I guess that would be a bit of a bummer, huh?

Matt musters a chuckle and raps him across the back. David glowers at him.

It was still a pretty good bust. For a Sunday.

Oh. That sounds nice. Can we stop by the Twisty Treat on the way back to the station?

The car clicks into drive and slowly pulls out onto the highway.

An old restaurant sits at the end of a long wooden pier on the beach, worn by the salt air. A large, peeling sign on the building advertises “Master Baiter’s Fish House, The best seafood on the beach”

All the tables have white tablecloths with snobby waiters. Romantic piano music plays.

At a table in the corner sits JOE LOCKE (50’s), a handsome, grey haired, well pressed cop. He wears a stylish black suit.

In the front of the restaurant, a red haired bombshell in a skirt walks to the greeter. CLEARLY LOVELY (50’s) is quite attractive for her age.

She speaks to the greeter and he points to Joe. The woman clacks her heels toward Joe's seat. She sits down but the clack sound continues.

Oh, I'm sorry about that. I forget that it's on sometimes.

She reaches into her purse and stops a tape recorder that's playing the sound. She clears her throat.

You wanted to see me, Joe?

I wanted to have dinner together, actually.

Well, I'm here, aren't I? I don't know why I’m doing this when I should be back in the lab working on cases, but here we are.

I wanted to try and smooth out our relationship, figure out what happened to us.

Clearly sighs. They both pick their menus up off the table and read them. They unfold them like enormous road maps.

Joe, we just don't know how to communicate anymore. It’s that simple. I keep trying to talk to you but I feel like I'm never getting --

A WAITER (late 40’s) sneaks up on the couple.

--Welcome to Master Baiter’s Fish House, where the fish smell is normal. We’ve got crabs today and everyone is itching to try them. Would you like to hear our whine selection for the day?

Can't you see we're having a conversat--

--Why yes. I would.

The waiter clears his throat and stands regal and erect.

(Imitating a little girl)

But Mommy! I wanted to have the bikini Barbie! All the other girls have a bikini Barbie!

The waiter looks down at the pair with baited breath. The restaurant goes quiet as everyone stares at the waiter for a moment.

Will you be having the whine selection tonight sir?

No, thank you. It sounds like it hasn't aged properly yet.

Is anyone listening to me--

--I think we'll order now then. Won't we, honey?

Why do you insist on calling me honey still? I told you not to call me honey anymore. If just, for once, someone would--

I see you've brought your own whine selection tonight. I'm afraid there's a small corking fee.

Well, I’ve never--

That'll be fine. We’ll go ahead and order. I’ll have the sirloin and she'll have the burg--?

Clearly shakes her head no.

The sal--

Again, she shakes her head no.

The spaghet--

Clearly gestures to him, flapping her arms and clucking.

The chicken?

She gives him the okay symbol.

Very well then. Thank you.

(To Clearly)

I’ll take that miss.

The waiter snatches the menu out of Clearly's hands. Joe hands his menu to the waiter.

Thanks.

Anytime. I'll be right back to help with the corking.

I never thought I'd get this kind of service here!

I know. With all the crime in this city now. I’m amazed this place still feels the same. This is where we went after we met, remember? I met you at that concert about...questions? What was the band called? How? Why? What?

The Who?

The band that was playing the concert we met at. Ah, it doesn’t matter. I remember that you used to love this place.

Things have changed Joe.

That’s for sure. Miami got rougher and we got older. It’s as if I went to bed one night and woke up on another planet. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. We haven’t even seen or spoken to each other for so long, not since we decided on the separation.

Oh, what do you care Joe? You’ve always put your work first our personal life second. You can’t deny that. I only see you if you’re down at the lab on some damn case. We hardly speak--

--At least tell me you’re being careful out there. Tell me you still carry your mace with you.

Oh please, Joe.

Well? Did you?

She opens up her purse and, with a loud bang, plops a medieval ball and chain mace onto the table.

Joe, you’re being rude when I didn’t have to meet you tonight. I’m a brilliant scientist studying nuclear physics in my spare time for crying out loud! This was exactly the issue with our relationship, I speak and you never listen because you're so self centered--

The waiter sneaks up behind Clearly.

Your whine corking, sir?

Ah. Thank you.

The waiter shoves a large cork in Clearly's mouth. She is infuriated and slams her purse on the table. She plays the 'clacking' SFX on a recorder and walks off.

Is something wrong? Clearly? You forgot your mace.

Joe holds it up to show Clearly and smacks the waiter with it.

The pillars and columns of the police station frame a large stone edifice in the middle of downtown Miami.

On the steps to the police station is a mahogany podium. At the podium is MAX DICKSON (early 40’s), severe, Black man wearing a Commissioner’s uniform.

Next to Max is a portly woman who looks as if she should be working for a retail chain. She is the SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETER. Max shuffles the speech papers in his hand and tests the microphone.

On the grass below the steps, a cadre of press stands. They clamor for his attention. As Max speaks, the sign language interpreter does her best to keep up with him.

Firstly, I'd like to say that yesterday's bust was a great success. No longer will our children be in danger of having their favorite ice cream treats displaced by illegal drugs!

The reporters clamor with questions.

If you'd excuse me. We have lots of items on the agenda.

The printed agenda sits on Max's clipboard on the podium. His hand sweeps off several obstructions on it: a glass of water, a stapler, a flower, a copy of Locke and Lowde 2 on VHS, etc.

Now that that's taken care of...Any questions?

A well dressed FEMALE REPORTER.

Commissioner Dickson, with narcotic crime in Miami at its highest ever, what are your plans to turn the momentum in the war on drugs?

I vow here and now to put a stop to this drug smuggling ring. Everyone knows that drugs are bad for you, and that kids shouldn’t eat too many sweets. This sting operation today proved one thing, and it’s that crime and sweets don’t mix.

The reporters yell questions. The sign language interpreter is making things up that look like vaguely sexual gestures.

Another generic MALE REPORTER speaks pointedly.

Commissioner, that's a vague answer. What are you going to do about the crime in the city?

The interpreter gives herself a black eye with the emphasis in the reporter’s question.

I have two of my finest men. They will be 'working' on 'it' with each other. If you get what I'm saying. Put another way, they’re going to be spending a lot of time together...They’re going to have to tell their families that they have a new partner...They’re going to clean each other’s pistols now, and hope that they don’t go off while they’re holding it. Was that clear enough?

The reporters all look around at each other, perplexed.

Uhh...

An ANGRY VILLAGER REPORTER pipes up. He is dressed like a medieval villager and has a three pronged microphone shaped like a pitchfork.

Hey! What are you planning on doing with the menace of Dr. Frankenstein's Monster? He keeps ravaging my village every night!

No more questions, please.

ELTON JOHNSON (early 30’s), a slim, handsome, man dressed in a frilly pink pirate shirt and green striped pants walks over to the podium.

Elton and Max walk off together into the police station.

Commissioner Dickson, David Lowde is upstairs and ready to be seen.

Good. Let's get these two doing it together right now.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

A lone bare metal desk and four chairs are huddled near the door. A computer sits next to a rotary telephone. The smoked glass pane in the door reads "MAX DICKSON.”

Max sits in a high backed swivel chair and speaks into his phone.

Yea, I know. Look. I’m putting these two screwups I have on it. One’s about to retire and doesn’t listen and the other is some punk kid. It’ll bury it for sure.

A knock on the door.

I gotta go though. All right. Bye.

Max hangs up and motions to the door.

Come on in.

David peeks his head in.

Elton said that you wanted to see me.

I did. And I want to talk with you.

Oh. Why didn't you say so?

David walks in and sits down in a chair.

Lowde, let me get straight to the point. I’m pairing you up with a new partner. You two are going to work on the smuggling ring task force and I don’t want to hear complaints about it.

Sir, you know that my cover has been blown. I'm no good on this case.

That's all right, you’re young, attractive, and most importantly you have a stupid concept that you’re above the law. I know just what to do with you.

A knock at the door.

Come on in.

I'm already here.

Not you.

Joe Locke peeks his head in the door.

You wanted to see me, Commissioner Dickson?

And he wanted to speak with you.

I knew that.

Joe comes in and sits next to David.

Lowde, meet Locke, Locke meet Lowde.

Locke.

Lowde.

ALL THREE turn to the audience.

The name of the movie!

Now where were we...Oh right. I remember now. Joe, This is your new partner.

How good are you with a gun?

I'm good enough for you, old man.

When was your last arrest, kid?

Of a suspect...last week...myself...last week.

Glazed or jelly filled?

Both.

Commissioner, do you really expect me to get anything done with this kid following me around? He doesn’t even know his donuts yet.

A knock at the door.

Come in.

Elton Johnson peeks his head in the door.

You wanted to see me.

I did.

Elton comes in and does a little twirl dance, then prances right back out.

Isn't he great?

Joe and David stare at Max. Max clears his throat and leans in closer on his desk.

Listen up, boys. Locke, I know you’re about to retire, but I need you to run one last case down. That Mexican guy blew our Lowde. So we have to do the rest of this case on old school style, no more fancy undercover work. He had a connections higher up that we need to get to somehow. Follow the trail to the top, so to speak. The mayor is breathing down my neck to get him to the bottom of this case.

Joe and David look at each other uncomfortably. The mayor literally stands behind Max and breathes down his neck.

A knock on the door.

Come in.

Matt Squealer appears at the door.

You wanted to see--

Actually he wanted to talk--

Just, Get this mayor off my back.

Matt comes over and coaxes the Mayor out of the office with a couple of twenty dollar bills.

Lowde, I know that you’re a roughshod unshaven mess of an alcoholic cop who just blew his cover. I know that you’re a screw up to the highest degree because of your disregard for the rules, hell, probably the reason I need to patch this thing up in the first place. But you’re deep in this toilet now and I’m gonna need you to run this one through. After this whole mess is flushed away, then we’ll see about your career. Got it?

Commissioner, with all due respect, I’m about to retire. I promised myself that I’d sit at a desk this last week and just let the time fall off the clock.

Joe points to a basketball scoreboard above the commissioner’s desk. Time ticks off of it, about a week’s worth of time left.

I don’t like this any more than you do.

I don’t give a goddamn flippity floppity how much you two like this or not. Do some regular police work for once, Lowde. And Locke, this should be easy for you. Make the bust on this ring. I need you two to work together. Your first lead is sitting in the bullpen downstairs already. Now go sweat him.

The interrogation room of the police station is a baseball warm up area. Astroturf with benches along one side. In the back of the room squats a fully dressed UMPIRE.

Pedro Malo, the ice cream truck driver, sits handcuffed to a metal table in the middle of the room.

OUTSIDE THE BULLPEN

Joe and David look into the room. David scowls.

That’s the guy I busted alright. I’m gonna go in there and knock him a new one.

That’s not the way we’re gonna play it, cowboy. It’s going to be nice and smooth. Very professional.

All right then pops. If you say so. I’ll follow your lead.

Oh, what a relief.

Joe and David walk into the interrogation room.

Play Ball!

I’m not saying anything until I speak with my lawyer.

Joe leans on the desk as David takes a seat. David punches a red button on a tape recorder that sits on the desk.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand Spanish.

He said that he’s not going to talk to us until we let him see his law--

Joe turns to David.

I didn’t know you spoke Spanish.

I don’t, but that was not--

--No. That was in Spanish. I’m sure of it.

I’m not saying anything and that’s final.

You have something to say to us?

Nope.

Strike One!

But that was something. You should write that down Lowde.

I’m not writing that down. He just told us he doesn’t want to talk.

Look, you either play ball with us or we’ll really get dirty here.

Look man. I never met my source and there’s nothing you can do to change my mind.

Strike Two!

I don’t care if you didn’t meet your source. You must know something.

We can cut you a deal if you cooperate.

All right, Maybe I saw her at the pickup spot one time...She sounded really sexy over the phone. Smoking hot.

Even fat girls have one hot selfie in them.

What’s a selfie?

It’s when a girl takes a picture of herself at just the right angle and puts it up on the internet.

Joe turns to David.

That sounds just like what we could use here.

A selfie?

No, the right angle.

Quit being so obtuse with him then.

What’s with all the math jokes? It doesn’t add up.

Joe turns back to Pedro. He slams his fists on the desk.

Crack for us already!

It wasn’t crack, Gringo, it was cocaine.

Write that down.

It sounds like we’re getting some traction here, finally.

Nope, it was the worst. I couldn’t get any reception.

So she’s married...

As far as I can tell, no.

Notell eh? Those are the worst.

Totally.

All right. I think we’re almost to home base here.

Offer him a deal Locke.

Joe turns to David and sneers.

Shut up kid. I’m running this interrogation here.

Foul.

Yea. Offer me a deal.

Joe turns back to Pedro.

All right, you know a name, a face, anything?

When I loaded up the shipment. It was at their facility, I know exactly where it is. There was a drop dead gorgeous woman there. I’d bet anything it was the same one I talked to on the phone all the time.

This woman sounds like misdirection to me. Let’s just go off the warehouse. Can you tell us where the warehouse is Pedro? A bust that big would be the mother lode.

You leave my mother out of this.

David grabs Joe by the collar, ready to fight. Pedro stands up.

I’ll tell you more when I get the papers for a deal in front of me and signed by the commissioner.

The hell you will!

Joe and David are about to come to blows when Matt knocks on the door. He motions for them to come out.

Safe!

Joe and David leave the room still in each other’s clutches.

OUTSIDE THE BULLPEN

Matt Squealer sweats as Joe and David come out of the bull pen.

What the hell is going on with you two? The commissioner wants you to work together. Not against each other!

In the background an officer is taking the stereotypical arrest photo of front and profile. He takes the photo of two men, who are twins, one facing forward with slate, the other profile with slate.

He started it.

Did not.

Whatever. I’ve got something for you. It seems that pictures of your ice cream perp have shown up on Cole Stiff. I love ice cream. Yum.

Wait, Cole Stiff? That’s impossible. Cole Stiff died years ago.

Huh? What’s the name of our cold stiff?

It’s actually Cole Stiff the Second. That's what was on the radio. Mmmm. Seconds.

Whoa.

I’m sorry, who’s been murdered?

The second Cole Stiff.

Then who was the first person who was murdered?--

Watch yourself out there, David. Folks are going to be gunning for you.

I’m going to do whatever it takes to crack this case.

You need to do it by the book, David! The commissioner wants a clean bust.

You can tell the commissioner that we can’t have our cake and eat it too.

That’s it. I’m going to lunch.

I’m sorry. What’s going on?

The sky is still bright with streaks of color from the setting sun. Locke and Lowde stand on a strange mound of white sand in the alley.

Cole was big in the drug trade, but we could never bust him. He started out with grass and moved his was up to powder. You can tell this was an inside job. They way they piled up an enormous mound of cocaine on the body and still no junkie is gonna touch it. Someone wanted to send a big message, Joe. Someone wants everyone to know that a new player is in town. Someone dangerous.

Can you move for a second? You’re standing on top of the body.

Oh, sorry.

David steps off the mound of cocaine and takes a hand broom to sweep the powder off the face. He reveals the dead man’s face.

That’s a Cole Stiff alright.

Let see what the boys already know.

Joe motions to two LAB TECHNICIANS in the background. They come to him.

Anything else that's noteworthy here?

Besides the powder on the face? Just this cell phone. It’s obviously a burner phone.

Lab Tech 1 holds up the phone and it catches on fire.

We ran all the numbers on it and one matched up in the computer to the bust that was made yesterday. That was you?

Lab Tech 2 motions to David Lowde.

Awesome! I loved the part where you made the guy into a sundae cone! It was so cool! Can you sign my lab coat?

Yes, thank you.

David signs Lab Tech 2’s coat. David turns to Joe.

These fans are crazy. They can’t even wait till the movie gets big before they’re asking for your autograph. You know?

Oh. I see how it is. All you movie star types are the same anyways.

What’s that supposed to mean?!

Joe steps in to break up the brewing fight.

Let’s just stick to the script, Lowde.

Joe turns away from David.

(under his breath)

Hot head.

What was that?

Nothing.

They walk another step.

(under his breath)

Jerk off.

I’m sorry. Did you say something?

Oh, not at all.

They walk one more step.

(under his breath)

Screw up.

My hearing is a lot better than yours, old man. If you think--

They’ve walked right into the Lab Techs.

--Oh. We also found these cell phone pictures.

Lab Tech 2 holds up large pictures of various cell phones. Pedro, the ice cream truck driver, is in each photo holding the phones.

This evidence is going to get a good reception with the commissioner.

No telling.

(to the techs)

Have you run the phone on Cole Stiff through the lab’s database yet?

I was about to call it in when you two--

Joe whips out his phone. It's a Notell.

--What's the number? I’ll run it.

Here, use my phone. Those don't get very good service.

Thanks.

Joe calls the crime lab on David's phone.

Hello?

Clearly Lovely is in a lab coat, gloves, and safety goggles. She’s working on a container marked “Danger - Nuclear Materials.” The phone rings and she scrambles to get it.

Hello?

Clearly?

Joe, what’s going on? Is this work related?

Clearly, it is.

Well fine, but you don't have to be so smart with me.

Look, I just need you to run a background trace on a phone number.

Okay, what's the number.

Clearly plops down in a swivel chair and scoots over to a computer. She cracks her knuckles and takes off her glasses.

407 - 607 - 1076

All right. The computer is looking it up. Joe. I...I think we should talk.

Clearly paces through the lab while on her phone. A pot of coffee bubbles over on a bunsen burner.

Is it business?

No. Joe. The way you treated me at dinner the other night was completely uncalled for. I felt like I was being attacked. Every time we talk now I feel like I’m in the firing line...

In the background, another lab tech hurls knives into a test dummy. Clearly walks through his throws, unaware and unharmed.

I took you out to where we had our first date to try and show you that I’m not the same man I used to be. I’m almost retired, and when I’m finally done I won’t have to worry--

--Just stop right there, Joe. We’re separated, remember? You can’t take me for granted like you used to. I’m not just going to show up or help you out whenever you call me. It doesn’t work like that. I’m not your lovely assistant.

Behind Clearly a magician has his assistant in a box and saws her in half. She smiles glamorously.

Okay, I understand. I’m guess I’m sorry that--

--No Joe, I’m not done. I’ll have you know that I’m a smart and accomplished woman. I’m studying nuclear physics in my spare time and you’d know that if you listened to what I have to say for once! I have to move on. I can’t subject myself to this psychological torture anymore.

In the background a prisoner is strapped to a torture chair. He’s being forced to watch Korean music videos by LAB TECH 3 who scribbles on a notepad.

All right. All right. I understand. Clearly we have no chance of ever, ever, ever getting back together. I guess things really have changed.

The psychological torture victim screams. Clearly puts her hand on the receiver of the phone.

Keep it down!

Sorry!

Clearly returns to the phone.

That’s what I’m trying to tell you! And I’m tired of you not listening to me. This is unfair and absolutely terrible of you, Joe. To think that we used to love each other, and now you’re just a sad sack of an old cop who’s probably going to get shot and killed on his last week before retirement!

She hangs up with tears in her eyes. She wipes away the sniffle and walks back to her desk forcefully, slapping the torture subject on the way back for good measure.

What’d she say?

David examines Cole Stiff's face.

She hung up on me.

Whatever, let’s run down to Cole Stiff’s house. We have cause to go and speak with them now.

They stop to talk to the Lab Techs on the way to their car.

We should get these prints developed at the lab.

Good idea.

David takes the Lab Tech's camera and opens the back of it. He pulls the long roll of film out. The tech opens his mouth to say something.

-- No, no. Don't thank us.

They get into their standard issue police vehicle, there are chalk outlines of bodies on it.

Ice Cream?

You're buying.

They peel off. The lab techs look at each other, dumbfounded.

I thought that was a digital camera.

It is.

A large, gothic, castle-shaped building in burgundy and gold sits back off the street, separated from its cast iron gates by a manicured lawn.

Just outside of the gate is a large ice cream cone-shaped building, an operational ice cream shop complete with parking lot.

In the kitchen a large window looks out over a verdant courtyard. At the table sits COLE STIFF THE THIRD (early 30’s), affable, black greasy hair. He sips on a scotch in a fashionable black vest and black pants.

A knock on the kitchen door.

Come in.

Through the door walks ANITA DIRECTION (20’s), a vixen in a silken blue nightgown that barely covers her voluptuous figure. Her cadence is fatal, but sweet.

With her is YA SAH, a short, balding, goateed, Chinese servant wearing a well fitting suit.

Commissioner Dickson just called. They're sending over two detectives to talk with us.

Let me guess, Detectives Locke and Lowde? I already know my sweet, and it doesn’t matter. Those morons don’t know what they’re getting into. Ya Sah, make us dinner, please. It seems we may have guests to feed.

Yes sir.

I know your name, now dinner.

Ya Sah bows and walks into the kitchen. Anita comes over and sits on Cole’s lap, stroking his greasy hair.

I knew you could do it.

Of course I could do it, Anita. I know everything that goes on in this city and he was gumming up the works.

Think about how much we can make, being the supplier for the whole east coast.

Drugs. Oh, who cares about that? Drugs are really just a means to an end. The money from that just goes into other things, guns, property, bribery, ecetera. The day will come when I will own the whole city.

And then we’ll have all the money we ever wanted.

Money doesn’t mean much when you have power instead.

The doorbell rings.

I’ll get it.

Anita walks over to the door and tries to open the rounded nob. Her greasy hand slips off it as she tries it over and over, with more frustration each time.

Joe and David stand outside a massive wooden door with a brass knocker. The knocker is shaped like a pair of breasts.

Stiff Manor. It's everything that I'd thought it would be.

It’s well kept up, for sure. It must take an army to have it looking this way.

And built right next to the Twisty Treat. How strange?

Joe heaves the heavy knocker again. It creates quite a CRASH. As they wait, Joe turns to David.

Those are some heavy knockers.

Yea. Huge, too. Why would anyone want knockers like that?

Try the door again.

David reaches to knock on the door, but this time the knock makes a meaty WHUMP.

(Miffed)

Excuse me, Gentlemen.

Anita has snuck up and opened the door while they were speaking to each other. David has his hand on her boob.

Come in, please.

Joe and David eye each other. David takes his hand off Anita.

I’m Detective Locke, and this is Detective Lowde. I’m afraid I have some bad news. May we come in?

Joe, David, Anita, and Cole sit at a mahogany table. Cole’s sits with a slight smile, at ease, at the head of the table.

So you say that you had no idea what your father was into.

Sure, I knew about some companies that we owned, like the Twisty Treat on the front lawn. We never really got along, so most of when I’ve seen him has been strictly business matters. I was brought up by my nanny mostly, and she passed on a few years ago.

I’m sorry to hear that, Mister Stiff.

Please, call me Cole. My father was always such a formal and secretive man. I had no idea what he was getting himself into, these drugs that you speak of. Although it would certainly explain those pictures now.

Cole motions to a series of large pictures on the wall. In one Cole Stiff II is in Columbia having coffee with men holding machine guns. There’s a Columbian flag in the background.

In another he’s pictured next to a bunch of lovely Columbian ladies, scantily clad, with bricks of cocaine. There’s a Columbian flag in the background.

In another, he’s getting ice cream from Pedro’s truck with the Miami Heat.

Hold on a second. I’d recognize that anywhere.

David points to the pictures. Joe stands up next to the picture of the lovely ladies.

Me too! Miss Columbia, 1993?! She’s almost won Miss Universe the following year. Woof. What a lady!

No, Joe, not that picture. The one next to it.

Joe moves over to a poster of Locke and Lowde, the movie.

You mean this poster of Locke and Lowde, The Movie? Out on Blu-Ray and DVD March 3rd?

No, old man. That picture!

Joe picks the picture of the ice cream truck off the wall.

Oh, this one? It’s Cole Stiff giving out ice cream to a bunch of poor, underprivileged, hoodlums. Why would we be interested in that?

I’m afraid we’re going to have to take this picture with us back to the station.

Joe grabs the picture of the ladies.

And this one, too.

That’ll be fine with us, won’t it, Cole?

Certainly, my sweet. It’s not like I’m going to horrifically kill you for it.

The room grows tense. Everyone eyeballs each other for a moment.

Just kidding!

Cole, Anita, and Ya Sah burst into laughter.

Did you want to have a bite to eat before you left gentlemen?

Ya Sah wheels into the dining room with a cart full of Asian food. There are bombs with lit wicks in all the food.

That won’t be necessary, we have work that needs to be done.

Yes sir.

We know your name! ...Jeez. Those guys are all the same.

Ya Sah wheels the cart back into the kitchen, dejected.

Suit yourself.

Joe and David are shown to the door. They leave, and there’s a muffled BOOM from the kitchen as the door shuts.

How annoying.

Cole takes a small glass container of white powder out of his pocket and sniffs the drugs contained in it. He sits upright in a flash and his hair spikes itself up. He snarls and itches his face.

Oh hell, yes. That’s what I’m talking about.

Cole, you’re so hot when you get like this.

Anita comes over to Cole and starts petting him.

Those guys are going to be so sorry they came snooping around here--

I think Detective Lowde was the undercover gringo that Pedro was talking about.

Of course he is, and Pedro is the Hispanic guy from the opening chase scene. He worked for us and now he’s locked up. I think we need to tie up all the loose ends. Kill us a jailbird. Call Max. Tell him I’m going to be visiting tonight.

Cole Stiff lets out a cackle.

An aging condo right off Miami Beach, the concrete tower is thrust right up against the shore.

The interior is fitted with leather sofas, high backed chairs, and large bookshelves.

Joe takes off his shirt and pants, and tosses them to a corner. He sits down in a leather armchair.

Through the mess on his end table, he picks up a picture and stares longingly at it.

The case was getting thicker and more serious by the moment. The bodies piling up like...bodies. I needed to clear my head, get some sleep, take my vitamins, say my prayers. Everything else that Hulk Hogan told me to do. But that’s not what the night had in store for me.

The picture in his hand is a signed print of Hulk Hogan. A knock on the door.

Who is it?

It’s me.

Clearly?!

Joe peels himself off the seat and walks over to the door. He opens the door and is greeted by a wall of “Police Line” tape. He rips through it.

Clearly, what are you doing here so late?

Can I come in?

Sure. You look pretty capable.

I meant would you let me in?

Clearly.

Joe?

Yes?

Oh good.

Clearly steps inside and takes a look around.

The place looks like crap, Joe.

Really mature, Clearly. Is that what you came over to tell me? That our condo looks like a piece of poopie ca-ca doodie?

Oh grow up already. It’s your condo now, Joe. Remember? And what about your pants?

I still have them. They’re not yours and you know it!

Fine, Joe. If that’s how this is going to go.

Clearly starts to leave and Joe circles around to stop her.

Look. I’m sorry. It’s been a long day and I didn’t think of how mean I was being. I’m sorry.

Clearly stops and turns to Joe. She holds her purse with both hands in front of her.

I just came over to tell you about the evidence the computer got out of that phone number. All right?

All right then...It couldn’t wait till tomorrow?

I was working late in the lab, as usual, and I thought that you’d want to hear this as soon as you could.

Do you want a drink?

Joe moves to the kitchen. Opens a cabinet. Pulls out a whiskey and two glasses.

Whiskey on the rocks?

Shirley please.

What did you call me?

I meant that I’d rather have a Shirley Temple. Normally I only have those when I’m on an airplane, but I’ve been cutting back on my alcohol.

Joe pulls out two glasses and some granite rocks. He puts the stones into the glasses and pours Whiskey over one. He makes a Shirley Temple for Clearly and hands it to her. They clink glasses and drink.

The burner phone you gave us made calls to Cole Stiff the Third. So we have Cole linked to the ice cream truck driver of course, but here’s the interesting thing, the commissioner’s number was in that phone. Max Dickson is in on this somehow.

Joe stops mid drink and spits up a little.

What? That’s crazy. Max is the most straight-laced, no-nonsense, hard-nosed cop I’ve ever met.

Facts are facts, Joe. Max Dickson is connected in this somehow.

Dammit. Clearly I should have seen that one coming.

Why are you telling me?

I wasn’t. I just thought I should have seen that one coming.

Clearly goes and sits on the arm of the leather armchair.

...About our argument today, Joe.

Joe moves over to Clearly.

I guess you want me to be more...sensitive? I’m sorry the you got your feelings hurt, Clearly. I wish there was something I could do about it. You want me to listen better but it’s not something I’m used to doing--

Clearly crosses her arms and stands up.

Fine, Joe. You don’t have to apologize to me, I should know better than to expect that from you. But here’s what I should have said a long time ago. I don’t need you and I don’t need this lab job. I’m getting out of here for good at the end of this Summer.

Clearly, wait--

--I’ve been offered a position at Fukushima University to teach nuclear physics, and I’m going to take it.

If you do that, then when will I get to see you?

You won’t, Joe. I’ll be out of your life for good.

Clearly puts down her glass and straightens herself out.

Clearly.

Yes, Joe.

She looks up at him.

I don’t think I could stand that.

What does it matter to you anyways Joe?

The ocean waves crash loudly in the background.

I should go.

Clearly starts toward the door again. Joe grabs her hand and stops her at the last possible moment.

I...I’m still in love with you.

Clearly.

Clearly wrestles free and walks out the door. Joe calmly closes it behind her and sits back down in his leather armchair.

Clearly was leaving my life forever. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else sank in. I couldn’t believe it. Wait...What was that thing she said about the Commissioner again? Oh well.

Joe turns on wrestling on the TV, chews on the rocks in his glass.

The cell of the city jail is sparse and grey. Pedro sits in an orange jumpsuit on the bottom bunk of a metal bunk bed. He throws playing cards into the built in toilet.

The toilet flushes.

Nice! A flush.

Max Dickson strolls into the city jail merrily and still in his daily blues.

At a desk behind plexiglass sits TRUDY HAUSER (late 70’s), glasses with grey curly hair. She wears a puppy and kitty sweater and works on a crossword puzzle.

Hello there, young man, are you here to see anyone?

Excuse me ma’am. I need to have a word with our prisoner in cell 961.

Well aren’t you so polite! I’d be happy to show you to his room. Right this way.

They walk down the hallway of the city jail.

In one of the cells behind them paces a ferocious LION.

You know I’ve been here since 1908 and it’s been a wonderful time. Everyone is so decent and polite. Probably since before you were born.

They walk behind a second jail cell that has no bars, but instead houses a mime who is trapped in a ‘box’.

It’s a great jail. I’m glad that it’s staffed so well.

Oh! Yes. But it would be better if we just put most of this lot to death, don’t you think? It would be much cheaper.

They walk past one last cell hosting a dentist working on a patient in a reclined chair. The dentist drills into the man’s teeth and the man screams in pain.

They arrive at the cell with Pedro.

Oh well, then. Here’s your little friend. You two play nice together.

Trudy makes her way back to the front of the jail.

Hello.

Hey Cabron.

Max takes a key out from his pocket and unlocks the cell.

What’s going on here? I said I wanted to see my lawyer.

We need to take a walk.

Max walks into the cell and pulls Pedro out. He drags him down the hallway and into the visitation room.

Cole and Anita are sitting on the far side of the room, separated from Max and Pedro by a large glass divider. Cole wears his typical black attire while Anita has chosen something a bit more practical.

A well decorated box and a small chocolate cake sit with Cole and Anita.

Pedro panics as soon as he sees them and tries to run away. Max pushes Pedro down and into the chair facing Cole and Anita.

This isn’t my lawyer.

I’m sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.

Max goes and sits in a chair in the background. He takes a “Ciminals Monthly” magazine off a table and reads.

Anita picks up the phone on their side of the table.

Hello again.

I recognize you, Chica. You’re the one that was in the ice cream warehouse.

That’s right. We’re your secret employers, and Pedro, you’ve done so well for Cole and me, we wanted to make sure that you were taken care of in here in person.

We wanted to make sure that you got your severance package.

Oh! I was worried that you guys were here to kill me. So are you guys going to spring me out of here or what?

Of course! But first, a little gift of our appreciation.

Anita hangs up the phone.

Cole walks around the glass screen that separates the entire room, around the set design, and over to Pedro. He hands a ticking package to Pedro.

Happy retirement, old pal. Sorry we couldn’t spring for something fancier.

Oh, you shouldn’t have.

Now how about you open up that little present so we can get to the cake?

Pedro opens the box and it explodes in his face, spraying Cocaine all over him. He dies with an enormous mound of the stuff on him.

Max pipes up from the corner he’s been sitting in.

All right Cole, My part of this deal is done.

I wouldn’t leave just yet. We need you to take care of that.

Cole points to the surveillance camera on the wall. Max walks over to the camera facing them. It is anthropomorphic.

Remember, you saw nothing.

He pulls a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and hands it to the camera on the wall. The camera nods and winks at him.

Max walks out the door.

Cole picks some of it up and sniffs it. His hair stands on end. He cackles and moves to the other side of the phone bank.

OH YES! That’s the stuff! Wow! Drugs. Murder. I’m really turning into a bad guy, you know? But I will rule this city and everyone will do what I want or pay the price.

Cole, stop shouting.

Anita moves over to Cole to put her hand on his shoulder, but he grabs her wrist.

Don’t you tell me what to do, my sweet!

Cole, you’re hurting me.

Cole throws Anita’s wrist back to her.

Never mind this tiff between lovers. It’s time for Cole to celebrate.

Cole marches out of the room. Anita cradles her wrist.

All the stools in this dimly lit piano bar are well worn and smoke fills the air. David sits at the bar and sips on a beer. A chalkboard over the bar states: “Tonight Only: Pianist Envy”.

On the stage, an Asian man plays a small keyboard. Next to him sits Elton Johnson who plays on a grand piano. Next to him sits a linebacker of a Black man who plays a tune on a triple grand piano.

Anita pulls up a chair next to David and orders from the BARTENDER. She lights up a smoke with her tender wrist and straightens her outfit out.

Bartender, something fruity.

Oh we can certainly do that, honey.

David turns to her.

I bet you don’t come around here often.

And how exactly do you know that?

Well, this is a gay bar.

Everyone in the bar wears something leathery or fabulous.

Why is a gay guy hitting on me then?

I’m not gay. I come here because I know I won’t see any of my exes.

The bartender walks over and plunks a drink down in front of David.

This is for you from Harry in the corner, Officer.

A group of guys in the corner waves at David and he waves back.

Thanks.

A BEAT UP GUY stumbles into the door of the club and approaches one of the LEATHER DADDIES.

Officer, I’d like to report an assault.

That’s next door, pal.

Oh, sorry.

Beat up guy walks back out of the bar.

Beat up guy walks out of the bar and next door to the police station. The name of the piano bar is called ‘POLE EASE HINDQUARTERS’. It sits right next to ‘POLICE HEADQUARTERS’.

A sign out front says: “Tonight Only: PIANIST ENVY”.

In the distance two cops walk towards the station. At the last moment they separate and one walks into the police station and the other the gay bar.

The policeman walking into the gay bar wears assless pants and a tight uniform.

David gets up and scoots closer to Anita.

Wait...You’re Detective Lowde.

I’m sorry, do I know you?

I’m Cole Stiff’s personal assistant. Remember the mansion? I guess I’m not as sexy looking as I was then.

Really? I don’t remember you...

Oh. Here then.

She unbuttons some of the buttons on her shirt.

How about now?

Oh my goodness. I remember now. Those knockers.

Cole had them bronzed and put on the entry. It’s flattering in an embarrassing kinda way.

I can’t fraternize with you. Normally I’d be all about sleeping with you off the clock and saying screw the case but the Commissioner is breathing down my neck on this one.

Elton Johnson has snuck up behind David and is breathing down his neck.

Elton! Get out of here, you’re freaking me out.

Just trying to lighten the mood!

I’m off the clock right now. We don’t have to talk about work if it’s too rough for you.

The bartender returns with Anita’s fruity drink. It’s a leopard patterned chalice of fruit with some rum in it. It looks like the Chiquita banana woman’s headdress.

That’s a big banana in there!

Nothing I can’t handle.

The bartender also puts another drink down in front of David.

This one is from Big Ralphie.

Over in a corner a man wearing leather bondage gear waves to David.

Thank you.

So how hard is it for you?

Excuse me?

To keep your professional and personal life separate.

It’s tough, but it feels good to turn off for a while.

I know what you mean. It’s like I have to be turned on all the time.

Yea. Always on guard, never knowing when someone might blow you.

I’m sorry?

I mean blow my cover. I’m normally an undercover officer.

Oh. I see. I guess you look like the kinda guy that’d be good undercover.

That’s what he said.

It must be awfully hard to have a personal life like that.

I never really get close to anyone, so it isn’t that hard.

Anita stands up and scoots over to him.

What about this close to someone?

Still not hard.

Anita presses herself up against him.

This close?

Still not hard.

Anita wraps her legs around David’s head and still appears to be standing without effort.

Close enough?

Now it’s getting hard for me.

A street sweeper cleans off the grungy streets in the early part of the morning.

The light of morning shines through the blinds and into David’s modernist apartment. In the bedroom, David and Anita lie together in a queen bed with handcuff and jail patterned bedsheets.

Oh his bedside table, his cell phone rings. Lowde grunts and rolls over. He looks at the screen and answers it.

I’m a little busy at the moment, Joe. What’s up.

It looks like the ice cream man is gone.

Then wait a week, he’ll be back in your neighborhood again. Hang on a second.

David rolls out of bed and puts the phone on his bedside table.

He takes two aspirins with one hand. With another hand he picks up and drinks a shot of tequila. With a third hand he takes a bite out of a cheeseburger. He puts them all down and picks the phone back up.

No, I mean that our witness is dead.

But he was locked up.

I know that.

Do we have a lead on anyone? Something tells me that we might be fighting this from the inside too.

David walks over to the dresser and fumbles on some pants, still on the phone. Anita stirs in the bed.

Could you keep it down please? I’ve got a splitting headache.

Who’s that?

A knock at the door. Anita gets out of bed and covers herself with the sheets.

Nobody. I’ll be right down to the station.

Don’t worry about it.

Another knock on the door. Anita gets up and opens it. It’s Joe.

What? Are you just giving up?

Joe stands in the doorway and clicks his phone off.

He was covered in powder again. Just like our first stiff. Good morning, you two.

Another Stiff?

The second.

Jesus. How’d he get killed again? Was he a zombie?

Don’t you think that’s a little sacrilegious? What the hell is she doing here?

David and I were just doing some undercover work.

I wouldn’t say it was work related, exactly.

Both of you get dressed. Lowde, we’re going down to the station.

Anita and David both peel their clothes off the wall where they’ve been stuck from the night before.

First Clearly tells me she’s going to Japan to keep doing nuclear science, now this.

Nuclear science? What the hell?

Anita’s interest piques as she dresses.

Yea. Apparently she’s been doing more in the lab than just working on cases. Now she’s leaving Miami and I’ll never get to see her again. And for what? So she can make responsible energy decisions?

Anita squeezes past Joe and out the door.

Excuse me.

Well, what are you looking for out from her?

I don’t know anymore. I tried to tell her how I felt about her the other night, but it just didn’t work. I swear, I’d do anything to make her understand me.

Have you tried listening to her and treating her like she’s the most important priority in your life?

No...Anyways, we should get going.

A crime scene has assembled in the visitation room. The phone banks are in full swing, Indians speaking to Cowboys, dogs barking at cats, Klansman talking to Black Panthers.

Police officers swarm around Pedro’s body, the open present box, and the pile of cocaine.

In one corner Matt speaks with the receptionist, Trudy. His face is covered in chocolate. She knits an orange jail jumpsuit as they speak.

Joe and David inspect the body.

Looks to be an enormous pile of cocaine.

Looks to be. Let’s make sure.

David motions to a streetwise LAB TECH in the background. He comes over.

Hey, can you sniff that pile of powder for us?

You want me to snort that coke to make sure it’s coke?

Actually. Yes.

Bitch, please, this isn’t my first crime scene.

The Lab Tech instead scoops up some of the powder and tests it in a small test tube. It bubbles up blue. He shows it to them.

It’s coke, bitch!

Joe and David pick up the present box. Joe pulls out a receipt from the present box.

This might prove useful.

They inspect the receipt.

Damn, gift receipt.

There was a chocolate cake here too, but that guy ate it.

Lab Tech 4 motions over to Matt Squealer.

Joe and David walk over to where Matt Squealer is interviewing Trudy.

Go on.

Then, after it rises, you put it in the oven for 20 or 30 minutes on 350. Until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.

Excuse me, but we have a few questions for you ma’am.

I’m telling you boys, going by the timer is just fine, but if you want to keep the moisture in and have it be just the right doneness, nothing beats the toothpick test.

I’m afraid we’re not talking about that, ma’am. We’d like to know if you could shed some light onto this murder.

It’s a shame. That’s for sure. He was such a nice man, well for a wet back spic, that is.

Did you see who did this? Was there anything out of the usual going on last night?

That Negro that you have down at the station was came down to get the dirty cholo.

I’m sorry ma’am, but that was enormously racist.

Matt, our witness is trying to make a statement.

I’m just saying that we shouldn’t perpetuate that sort of thing.

Shut it, you corpulent jerkoff.

Could you identify the man who came to get the victim if you saw him again?

I’m not sure, they all look quite alike to me.

Hold on one second. Did you say that all Black people look the same to you?

He was in a police uniform and not in jail like most of the Negros I’ve seen.

What? Just because he’s Black doesn’t mean he’s a criminal.

Well, statistically speaking, most inmates are minorities, but it’s not considered a systematic oppression of a race or anything like that.

Wait...What? Are you taking her side?

Of course not.

Lowde, in the meantime, has found the log book for the jail.

Joe, you might want to take a look at this. I think it’s Max Dickson’s handwriting.

The book is signed ‘Anyone but Max Dickson’.

Would you be willing to testify as to what you witnessed last night ma’am?

Of course.

I’m not sure I can support this sort of overt racism.

Don’t you know to respect your elders?

Yea, fatty.

Matt, I’m going to need you to keep an eye on this witness until we can get our charges in order. As a personal favor for me. If the commissioner is really in on this. We need to keep this whole investigation buttoned up. You need to take care of her, twenty four seven.

The buttons on Matt Squealer’s shirt simultaneously pop off and fly around the room.

Even though she’s a terrible old racist, I’ll do my best. But only as a favor for you, and because it’s the right thing to do for the case.

Let’s go, tubbo. I have my colonoscopy scheduled for today.

David and Joe walk off down the hall.

It’s looking worse and worse, Joe. We’re in over our heads if the Commissioner is in on this.

I have a bad feeling about him but I just can’t believe that someone like him would be in on something so terrible as this. Max is a hardass sometimes, but he’s no criminal.

There’s an assembly line, cooling tower, clean room, control room as well as multiple metal catwalks dotting a large underground cavern. Everything is made of steel and peeling paint.

On the catwalk walks Cole with Ya Sah.

Below them a whole army of YA SAH CLONES work on creating more clones, refining drugs, and making ice cream.

Anita trots up the catwalk to catch up to Cole and Ya Sah. She looks a little disheveled.

Anita my sweet, the ten o’clock meeting starts promptly at ten A.M. It’s rude to be late.

I was out late last night working. I have something you’d be interested in.

This should be good.

You know how you loved the drug trade.

Go on?

And how about murder?

That was great.

Well, last night I had a drink with one of the detectives that are investigating us.

I’m not sure I’m liking where you’re going with this.

And he told me that they’re doing nuclear physics in the lab at the police station.

I’m liking this more now.

We could steal the Uranium in the Police station and sell it on the black market. Think of all the cash!

Cole takes the vial out of his pocket and sniffs it. His hair stands on end and his eyes dart around the room. He cackles and shifts his eyes.

I have a better idea. How about we build a bomb? And hold the city ransom. I bet we could get quite a tidy sum if the Mayor knew he was in the crosshairs.

Oh, now that sounds lovely.

You’d have to stay out late with Mister Lowde again though, and I don’t know how much I like that.

How’d you--

I know what happens in this town. It’s what I do, my sweet.

Cole moves over to Anita and takes hold of her hand.

...And you’re not angry at me?

Angry? Why should I be? It’s not like you slept with him.

Cole smirks at Anita.

Cole...I...

You’ve brought me the best news I’ve had all year! This nuclear missile stuff is really gonna fill my coffers.

That’s a relief to hear. I wouldn’t want to end up like your father.

Cole’s face recoils. He quickly covers it up.

Hearing about what you did last night does make me very sad though. Quite dejected. What can we do about that? Ah. I know what’ll cheer me up. Ya Sah!

Yes sir?

Cole pulls a magnum out of his vest and shoots Ya Sah in the head. Ya Sah falls over the railing and into a vat of ice cream mix. The working floor goes silent, all the clones look up. Just as quickly, everyone snaps back to work.

I guess I’ll get over it. Things are going to be great when we get out hands on all those nuke supplies.

And after we get the missile, we get the money!

You’ve got it, my sweet, You’ve got the right idea.

Joe and David are playing racquet ball against Elton and Max. The court is enclosed in glass, with a new sheen on the wooden floor.

How’s the case coming, boys? I need you to wrap this thing up for me. The mayor is breathing--

I know how much the mayor is bothering you about this case, Commissioner Dickson, but our chief witness was killed last night.

Max looks at Joe with feigned surprise.

What?

The ball slams against Max’s face.

Six to nine.

Elton picks up the ball and continues with play.

Well, holy brown Jesus nuggets. It looks like you don’t have anything else to go on then...Better throw in the towel.

You’d think that, but we’ve got the jail receptionist still, and she seems to think she recognized who broke out our victim.

Trudy? She’s enormously ancient and racist. Never trust an old hag. That’s what I say. And I wager that a jury would say the same thing.

David smashes the ball and scores.

Point for us.

David serves the ball.

I mean...You can’t trust her as a witness, can you? She’s ancient. Biased. Republican.

Don’t get me started on Republicans.

You’d be surprised what old farts can do.

Joe scores a point. The ball nails Max in the balls.

Great ball play, Detectives!

Elton picks it up and continues.

Well, I can’t in good conscience allow you to continue this investigation instead of starting your retirement. You have two days to crack this case. Otherwise, it just sits.

Joe looks up. There’s his retirement scoreboard still. There’s only about 48 hours left.

Two days left? What the hell?

Time flies, doesn’t it? You’ll be retired in two days anyways, so might have to let this one just...slip away.

Joe gets hit in the back of the head with a ball.

David throws his racquet on the ground.

Let’s get out of here, Joe. We have a case to crack.

Cocaine, actually.

What?

Nothing! I said nothing.

David throws the ball at Max. Elton catches it. David and Joe walk out slowly.

Wanna just play with each other?

Shut up.

The tape feed computer in the lab whirs and is decorated with a “Danger - Radiation” sign on it. Clearly manipulates it with various beeps and hoops. Locke jaunts through the door.

Joe, what are you doing here?

Clearly, I just wanted to come talk to you.

Okay Joe, but you don’t have to be so smart with--

Enough of the games, Clearly. Why didn’t you tell me that Commissioner Dickson was in on our smuggling ring case? You must have seen this in the burner phone or some other evidence.

I did, Joe. You just didn’t listen to me.

Joe is taken aback. He has to lean on the desk to keep his balance.

Really?

Look.

She walks over to a TV and plays it. It shows a scene from Spaceballs.

Sorry, that’s the wrong tape.

Wait. Let me speak, Clearly.

Go ahead then.

If you say that you already told me, then I believe you. I trust you honey. Clearly, just be straight with me. Is my listening really that bad?

It’s terrible.

I wish you had told me before.

I have, Joe. Multiple times. It’s terrible.

What did you say?

I said that...Wait a second.

She leans in and looks into his ears. She pulls out a set of earplugs.

Geez, these look like they’ve been in there forever.

Probably since we went to that concert all that time ago. I can’t believe that’s what’s been keeping me from listening to you all this time.

Incredible! This explains so much.

Clearly, the commissioner told me I have to solve this case in only two days, otherwise he’s going to make me retire and the case goes unsolved. I don’t know what to do.

My God, he’s trying to bury it! I can’t believe he’d do something so dirty. You have to get a warrant and prove that he’s guilty! You can do this, Joe.

Yea. I can do this. Max is going down and he’s going to give us up whoever he’s working with. This is nuts.

Clearly leans in and kisses Joe. He’s smitten.

Joe...I...

When this is all over, we need to talk, but I promise you this. From now on, I will always listen to you.

Before Clearly has a chance to reply Joe marches off.

Max sits at the kitchen table with Cole. Ya Sah serves them coffee and cookies.

This is getting out of control Cole. We silenced the witness but now my name is all over this case.

Max, Calm down buddy. Things are gonna work out just fine. I guess those two screw up detectives of yours aren’t such screw ups after all.

Cole chuckles and Max leans in on Cole. Max puts his hand on the Cole’s shoulder.

Look, I know that you don’t think too highly of me. But exactly where do you think that you’d be without my word. You think that your life would be so easy? Hmm? You couldn’t so much as sneeze without my help. Understood?

Cole brushes Max’s hand off. He stands up paces around Max. He takes the vial out of his pocket and snorts some cocaine out of it.

Now Maxy baby, don’t you for one teeny tiny second think that I’m not the one in control here. I get it. I totally understand our mutual interests. You scratch my back and I scratch yours, so to speak. That’s the way this works, and since I am a man of my word, I’ll do this as a favor for you.

Ya Sah is making a complex coffee drink in the background.

All right then. It’s settled. You’ll take care of these two for me.

The two annoying police dogs you put on my trail? Sure. But just remember that you made this problem for yourself.

Cole pokes Max in the chest. Max stands up and against Cole.

No, you made this problem! If you hadn’t killed that witness then I wouldn’t be on the hook right now.

In the background Ya Sah is harvesting coffee beans off a Columbian coffee tree. A Columbian flag is taped to the tree.

Cole stands and wallops Max with a hard right fist. Max stands up and is about to punch Cole when Cole pulls out a pistol. He calmly points it at Max.

All right then, Max. I made this problem. You win the argument this time. Anita!

Anita slinks in from the kitchen. She wears nothing but a chef’s apron, and holds a fresh batch of cookies.

Anita, please see to it that Mister Lowde doesn’t interfere in our business anymore.

It’ll be my pleasure.

Max is nursing his bruised face. Cole puts the gun away.

Nice buns, honey.

Actually, they’re freshly baked cookies.

Those look good too.

And as for Mister Lowde. Anita will see to him personally. Won’t you, Anita?

I will?

Oh yes. You will. You’ll get to spend the night with him again.

Anita drops the tray of cookies and Cole laughs maniacally.

David and Joe walk down the steps of the police station together.

Good work today, partner. We got the warrant approved, so first thing tomorrow morning we’re going to march into Dickson’s office and nab that son-of-a-bitch.

I still can’t help but feel like Cole Stiff is involved in this somehow.

We don’t have any more time for that and this is big enough as it is. All right? Trust me kid.

All right, but I don’t like it. I could just go bust up Cole at his place tonight if you want.

By the book, David. Especially now that Dickson is in the mix, and don’t let me catch you fraternizing with Miss Direction again. If word of that gets out it could derail the whole case.

All right. Good night.

David starts walking to the gay bar.

Oh! I didn’t know. I mean. Wait. I thought you and Anita this morning were--

David walks off and into the bar as Joe rambles on. Eventually Joe heads towards his car on the other side of the road and hops in.

He’s about to drive off when Anita is dropped off by Ya Sah in a Limo. Joe notices her go in. He sighs and gets out of the car. He jogs over to the alley and sneaks in the back door of the bar.

Joe walks three steps inside and is face to face with a towering muscular Black man in a nun’s habit. He is GAY MOTHER TERESA.

Father Dawkins?

Uh. Yes? That’s me.

I’m so pleased that you decided to come. I just knew that you’d come around to our sense of humor.

Gay Mother Teresa turns around and addresses other DRAG PERFORMERS in various states of Catholic drag. A priest, parishioners, and several schoolboys and schoolgirls.

Oh no! Wait! I’m actually.

Father Dawkins is going to be our guest of honor tonight!

Places!

Thank you, places!

David pulls a chair up at the bar, and looks over. Anita walks up to the bar. He gets up and moves over to her.

She notices him and moves in closer. She’s wearing a silver club shirt with hip-hugging jeans.

Back for more huh?

I should have known you might be here.

The bartender walks up and hands David a drink.

This one is from Gary.

Over in a corner a group of clowns sit, one of them waves to David.

Thanks Gary!

Gary honks his nose and makes an obscene sexual gesture.

I bet you wanted to run into me.

Last night was the craziest night of my life.

I’ve never been handcuffed that way.

I’ve never handcuffed anyone like that before.

ON THE STAGE

Where the piano sat nights before, the MASTER OF CEREMONIES steps up to a microphone. He is dressed in a white tuxedo.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Bears and Otters, we have a treat for you tonight. Father Dawkins will be joining us for a very special showing of midnight mass!

The crowd claps and catcalls. The curtains to the stage lift and reveal a drag show. Hip Hop versions of hymn music plays.

AT THE BAR

I’m glad I saw you here. We should talk about Cole. I don’t mean to mix personal and professional but you need to hear this.

It’s a bit late for not mixing personal with professional now, don’t you think?

I suppose you’re right.

Anita puts her hand on David’s leg.

ON THE STAGE

Joe is clothed in a sassy priest costume. He tries to watch David and Anita, but is swept up in the drag show.

He’s used as a human prop for most of the show, being thrust on and thrusted upon others.

AT THE BAR

We’re going to close up the case and it looks like your boss is getting off scott free.

Cole is getting off? Oh no! He’s been such an ass to me. You see this? He did this.

Anita shows him her hurt wrist.

We just didn’t have enough to pin on him.

I don’t want him to get off. He’s dirty. A dirty dirty man. I can’t believe it. That slime ball is just gonna slide.

The bartender comes and gives a drink to Anita.

This one is from Hank.

Over in a corner, HANK and some gay garbage men sit.

Just keep talking about how dirty he is.

I know that you’re close with him, and If you’d turn state’s witness then I’m sure you could make it so he doesn’t get off.

ON THE STAGE

Joe is handed a Bible, which he tries to shove back to the drag-parishioner, sparking a dance like battle. All the drag queens circle around Joe.

Preach the good word, father.

Leave me alone.

Amen!

I’m trying to pay attention to that guy at the bar.

Preach!

I just know he’s gonna sleep with that woman, and I can’t let that happen.

Hallelujah!

AT THE BAR

Okay. But you have to promise me that I’m going to get off. No complications. I can’t have him find me.

I can’t one hundred percent promise you no complications. There’s always risk when you talk about this sort of thing. But I will do my best to help you get off if you give us more to put on Cole. We can put that slimy bastard away for a good long time.

Anita moves closer to him and puts her head in the nape of David’s neck.

ON THE STAGE

It’s the final number of the drag show. Joe has a lit prayer candle forced into his hands. The drag queens hold large crosses and dance around. Joe absently waves his arms around and lights one of the crosses on fire.

AT THE BAR

All right then. But if you want that info you have to work for it mister. You want some hard earned information, you have to work hard for it.

Oh. I know how to work hard.

How hard?

I work it super, duper, uber, mega, giga, ultra--

--Let’s go--

--hard.

Anita and Joe finish their drinks and walk out the door.

ON THE STAGE

The final number finishes and the crowd gives a standing ovation. Joe is mobbed by queens and drunk patrons who shout congratulations and compliments at him.

Thank you. Thank you. God bless you. Bless you.

David and Anita wrestle naked in bed. A fog of steam spews out of the bedsheets. General moaning and sexiness ensues.

David is dressed in a beret and a curly mustache.

Let me French kiss you.

David kisses Anita and leaves a pile of drool on her face.

Anita looks at David with sultry eyes.

You ready for your blow job?

Give it to me.

Anita turns on a blowdryer and aims it at David. He loves it.

Time to do it cowgirl style.

David crawls around his apartment on all fours. Anita wears a 10 gallon hat and spurs as she rides on David.

David high fives a Sesame Street style puppet LETTER G sitting on his side table.

There you are.

You found me!

You do exist!

Anita pulls David’s hair and they finish. She sits on him, exhausted.

I’m sorry, David.

She pulls a magnum out from under the covers.

Wait. Where did you get that?

You shouldn’t have done so well on this case, David. You should have just kept your nose clean.

I could say the same thing to you. I thought we really had something here. I wanted to give you a chance to start things over, and get out of your crime life. To start over...with me.

Anita’s grip falters. She wipes sweat off her face and steadies her aim on David’s heart.

You don’t have to do this, Anita. We can put you into protective custody.

Like Pedro? I was there with Cole when we killed him and I saw just how safe people you need are.

That was different. He was some Hispanic guy and you’re the sexy femme fatale who’s bumping the ugly with me--

I don’t think I can do it. You’re handsome, true. Great in bed, that’s a given. Young and impressionable, again, yes. But none of that matters in the long run. Cole can find us wherever we go. He knew about last night. Hell, he might vaporize half of Miami just because he can. I’m so sorry David, it was good while it lasted.

Anita squeezes the trigger and the gun goes off straight into David’s chest.

The smoke clears. David looks stone dead. He opens one eye and winks, then clobbers Anita and puts her into a choke hold.

What?! But how?

Didn’t you know? I always use protection!

He throws off the covers to reveal a bullet proof vest.

What? I thought you meant you were using a condom.

David’s face shows great surprise.

Oh Shit! I feel like such an idiot now.

So that means...

...Oops?

David and Anita look awkwardly at each other.

The umpire sleeps on the bench as David handcuffs Anita to the desk.

OUTSIDE THE DOOR

The office is dark and empty. David paces back and forth in only his boxers and holster, checks his watch.

Joe comes up behind David, disheveled, and still putting himself back together.

What am I doing here at three in the morning and where are your clothes?

Anita wanted to turn state’s witness and then tried to kill me.

I’m guessing this was all while you two were having sex?

Yea, how’d you know?

Joe motions to David’s lack of pants.

You reek of booze.

The guys at the bar next door are very amicable.

David nods knowingly.

She said something about Cole being the man behind the drugs and murders. So I figured we could get it out of her in the Bullpen. Plus, she tried to kill me. Right?

It’s all for the best that I’m here so late, I guess. Clearly’s working down in the lab on her pet project, so I suppose I shouldn’t be getting any sleep either. Have you sweat her yet?

Yea, but not here.

I mean have you interviewed her yet?

Oh! No. We did other types of sweating. Good sweating.

Joe stares David down.

All right then. How do you want to play this?

I’m bad cop.

I guess that makes me good cop.

David tries to boot in the door to the interrogation room, but fails. Joe opens it up and they spill into the room. They collect themselves, and David turns on the tape recorder in the room.

Hello Ma’am. Please state your name for the record.

Miss Anita Direction.

I believe we’ve met before Miss Direction. I’m Detective Locke, this is Detective Lowde.

I’m very well acquainted with Detective Lowde here.

I’ve had enough sexy talk. Spill it Anita!

Anita takes a lipstick out from her purse and applies it. She presses a small button on it and sets it on the table. A light on the side blinks without drawing attention from Joe or David.

Here’s the whole thing. I’m working with Cole Stiff the Third in a large crime syndicate. We’re manufacturing ice cream in a large underground warehouse under his mansion. Also, he and Max Dickson are involved with the creation and shipment of drugs, including the ones that you intercepted. And as a bonus, here’s the tape off your security camera that shows the commissioner aiding in the murder of your witness.

Wow...That was really easy.

Anita produces a roll of duct tape out of her purse. The pattern on it is not silver, but rather frames of Max Dickson in the visitation room, aiding Cole in the crime. Anita places it on the table.

To quote a man looking for a needle in a haystack, what’s the point in all this?

Cole’s moved on to bigger and better things. He’s going to start nuclear war now. He knows about the materials you have in the lab here. I’m telling you because I can’t stand behind that. There’s no profit to be made in simply blowing up a city.

If she’s telling us all this now for no reason..and Clearly is down in the lab...

Joe stands up with a start and runs out the door. The umpire in the room is jostled awake.

You’re outta here!

You’re sadistic Anita.

I’m a narcissistic materialistic sociopath. Get it right.

Joe sprints down stairwells and through hallways. He runs past his score board and it clicks to eighteen hours left.

David stands over Anita, arms folded.

Anita, there’s still a chance for you to turn state’s evidence.

I’d rather not.

All right then. We’re gonna have to keep you in custody. Charge and process you like everyone else. I’m sorry it’s gotta be this way.

David walks out of the room.

Anita reaches into her purse and pulls out a pencil. She snaps the pencil in half and it turns to a gooey putty.

She smears it all over the chain connecting the one handcuff to the table. It makes a small blue flame and melts away.

Joe busts into the crime lab and finds Cole. He holds Clearly in front of him, a human shield. Ya Sah gathers supplies in a cardboard box.

Clearly struggles against Cole, her hands bound and mouth gagged. She’s unable to do much.

It looks like you’ve found us. How’s the investigation going? Well, I hope.

Cole laughs maniacally.

Oh, how rude of me. Have you met my date? She’s a little too smart for my tastes, but she’ll do.

You let her go right now you son of a --

--No.

Cole pulls his gun out of his vest pocket and points it at Clearly.

Now you be a good boy and die.

From behind, a YA SAH CLONE gets Joe in a full nelson. Cole points his gun at Joe and fires, but Clearly grabs her mace from her purse and nails Cole in the arm with it. The shot goes wide and kills the clone instead.

Cole disarms Clearly and slaps her for his trouble.

Damn. Those guys are expensive.

Joe advances on Cole. Cole backs toward the rear door of the lab, gun pointed at Clearly.

No matter. We have what we want. Take care of this guy.

Two more YA SAH CLONES appear in the doorway behind Joe.

You have more than one of those guys?

Yes Sir.

Cole shoots that Ya Sah. The other clone looks at him with indignation.

And the same thing will happen to you if you think that you’re going to tell me your name again! For crying out loud you’re all clones and have the same name! I know it already!

Another two Ya Sah clones appear in the doorway. Cole hoists Clearly up over his shoulder and makes a break for the exit with a Ya Sah clone trailing him.

Clearly!

Anita hides behind the door as David comes back into the interrogation room. He’s brought them both coffee. Anita scorpion-kicks him in the face and makes him spill the coffee on his boxers. She runs out the door.

Jesus! That’s hot.

He races after her and into the maze of cubicles. Anita dodges between partitions and doors and hides in one of the offices on the outside of the cube farm. The whole floor of the building is in complete darkness saving the occasional emergency light.

David draws his pistol from its holster, pacing back and forth.

Anita! Come out! Face the music. It was good while it lasted but the jig is up. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Anita fishes around the desk in the office and finds a gun in the drawer. She fires blindly through the office glass and shatters a window as David scrambles for cover.

What’s wrong Davie Boy? Forgot to wear your protection this time?

David pops out of cover and fires back at her. Anita cowers behind the desk.

What’s wrong? You liked it much more when I unloaded my weapon on you the first time.

Joe pulls his gun on the three clones and has it immediately kicked out of his hand. The clones come at him with whirling fists and kicks. Kung fu style.

Joe is beaten back to the knife throwing station and fights the clones with the knives, killing one with a knife to the head.

David and Anita fire guns back and forth at each other.

To one side of the office, Elton walks in with Gay Mother Teresa in tow. They’re drunk and have been making out.

Oh shit. Hang on a second.

Anita rolls out the door and into another office. She fires back at him.

At least this time you’re using a bigger weapon than you’re normally equipped with.

David sneaks around the desk he’s at and reloads.

I’m surprised you could even figure out how to pull the trigger and make it go off. You’re fumbling around with it so much. I thought you’d never get it to pop off.

(to Gay Mother Teresa)

Oh shit.

Joe fights with the two remaining clones. They smash through tables and into walls. Joe takes his tie and strangles one of them with it, feeding the tie on the clone into the paper shredder.

It doesn’t kill him but gives Joe enough time to make a real fair fight against the other one.

They fight into the magician’s area. Joe punches the hat off one Ya Sah and catches it, pulls a rabbit out of it, and beats the other clone with the rabbit.

Joe picks up the saw blade and swings it around like a karate master would.

Not bad for an old guy huh?

Ya Sah.

Oh. I see how that could get annoying.

Joe hits him in the face with the saw blade. He smashes him in the head with the boiling coffee pot.

Anita finds a shotgun in one of the offices and fires a barrage at the desk David is hiding behind.

Look honey, I’ve found a bigger gun to please myself with!

Nobody says I have a small dick. NOBODY.

Oh shit.

David pulls a second gun out of the desk in front of him and stands up. He charges at Anita, guns blazing. She cowers behind the desk.

Just as he gets to her position the guns click to empty. He’s out of bullets! Elton hears it, and runs for David. Anita pops out of cover, and cocks the shotgun.

Just in time, Elton leaps and tackles David. Anita fires. Both men escape the blast by a hair.

The two clones are making mincemeat of Joe, who looks quite bruised and bloodied. He’s getting pummeled and is thrown onto Cleary’s desk. It breaks in half.

As he lifts himself out of the rubble, he notices a poster he’s ripped through on the wall. It’s a poster for “The Who” from the night that they met.

It was The Who--

The two clones grab him and throw him onto a wall. One has a knife and he tries to plunge it into Joe’s heart. Joe catches his hand and they grapple for Joe’s life.

Joe looks over at the scoreboard on the wall. It reads: “Good Guys”: 2, “Bad Guys”: 7. There’s about 17 hours and some odd minutes on the board.

...a cop who’s probably gonna get tragically killed before he can retire.

...There’s still time for me yet.

Joe pushes the clones off him and continues to kung fu fight. The other clone grabs a knife and now both clones are trying to stab Joe. He makes several evasive moves and the clones accidentally stab each other non-fatally.

Joe kicks one of the clones into the saw-a-lady-in-half trick box. He punches him out cold and, for good measure, saws him in half and then separates the halves.

The other clone makes a bid to throw Joe out the window, but Joe takes the upper hand and beats the clone into a pulp. He shoves him into the psychological torture seat and straps him in.

...Something witty...

After Joe is out of sight, the Lab Tech that was torturing someone earlier comes and sits in front the clone.

Okay, let’s begin then, shall we?

Yes Sir.

Anita stalks over to David and Elton who are getting up of the floor. She reloads her shotgun and pulls the trigger only to find that it’s empty.

She throws the empty gun at them and bolts for the stairs. Just as she thinks she has made her escape, Gay Mother Teresa punches her unconscious.

Elton and Lowde get up and walk over to the stairwell.

Nice work! Where did you learn that?

Grow up a gay Black man and see how many fights you get into.

You’re such a smart, timely, strong partner.

(to himself)

...a strong partner. JOE!

David runs off to the stairwell.

Thank you.

Elton and Gay Mother Teresa kiss.

A corner of the warehouse in disuse has been turned into a makeshift lab. There are old tables, chairs, and equipment everywhere. On a table, the top warhead of an ICBM sits, dismantled.

Cole has Clearly tied onto a chair. Ya Sah clones prepare various science things around in the background.

You’ll never get away with this!

But don’t you see I already have. My clones have no doubt killed your husband and his annoying partner.

Cole motions to a clone.

The clone brings over what appears to be an armored breastplate in the shape of a sports bra.

What’s this?

A little change of wardrobe I’m afraid.

I’m not wearing it.

Oh, but I must insist.

Cole claps his hands and two Ya Sahs’s dressed up like ladies come over with a curtain on a mobile hanger. They pull the curtain over Clearly and clothes start flying out of it.

Ooof! Ugh!

Almost finished?

Yes sir!

They pull back the curtain to reveal Clearly wearing the Bombrassiere.

And now I know just who to demonstrate this on.

Cole snaps his fingers and a couple more of the Ya Sahs come and grab one of the Lady Ya Sahs and drag them away.

Cole leans over to clearly and punches some numbers on a keypad attached to the bombrassire.

I have taken the liberty of fashioning an explosive bodice for you. If you disobey me. Well. Observe.

The Ya Sah clones drag the Lady Yah Sah over to a shipping container in the back of the warehouse. They fit him with an identical bombrassire.

No...No Sir!

The others close and padlock the doors after throwing him in the container.

Cole takes a remote control out of his pocket and presses a button. The warehouse shakes as poor Lady Yah Sah explodes inside the shipping container.

Oh my God.

Let me be perfectly clear with you. I want a nuclear warhead for my missile. An enormous nuclear bomb! Oh, do whatever you’d like. Use any of these stupid clones, but if you don’t have me a bomb by tomorrow, you’re going to be facing quite the explosive situation.

Clearly wails as Cole unties her.

And I don’t think it needs to be said, but if you try to escape...

The Twisty Treat sits in the din of the night’s crickets. The parking lot steams.

A bunch of Ya Sah clones are serving up ice cream cones to folks. Sitting at the table are two of the gay chorus dancers.

Where do you think that steam is coming from in the parking lot?

Who knows?

The morning light is coming through the windows as David and Joe sip some morning coffee. Anita sits tied up in a chair. David is finally dressed, though both men look worse for wear.

Listen Anita. We’ve got you nailed good and hard. For shooting up the police station, for your involvement in this smuggling ring, for accessory to a ton of crimes. Give us all the information you’ve got and we might be able to get you off clean on this on.

I’m tired of all the sex jokes David. I’ll tell you what I know about how to get into Stiff Manor, but I have to have your word that I’ll get a pardon and fresh start on everything.

You have my word on it.

All right. I’ll talk.

In a large conference room, a cadre of police officers stand around including Elton, Matt, and the Umpire. Everyone affixes various police gear, bullet proof vests, extra rounds, guns, etc.

A baseball style peanut HAWKER walks around and hocks donuts and coffee.

Getcha donuts! Getcha Coffee!

Matt Squealer waves down the hawker to his seat.

I love a good war room meeting.

In the front of the room a large screen shows a presentation on the current mission. David and Joe stand next to and present layouts of the manor, head shots of Cole and Ya Sah, and ESPN.

According to our insider...

A LOUSY COP in the back of the room shouts.

Who’s inside er’ this time?

The room chuckles.

According to our informant, the mansion is tightly guarded by a cadre of Chinese kung fu dudes. On the inside is Cole Stiff the Third, he’s our real target. We have to consider him armed and dangerous. He’s wanted for drug deals, murder, and now he’s working on global thermonuclear war.

The ESPN screen changes to a picture of HAL 9000.

Did you say “Global Thermonuclear War?”

No!

Sorry.

The ESPN screen turns back to news. Matthew Broderick is in the crowd.

That was close.

Joe hoists onto a table a child’s doll set. He uses it as a visual aid.

We’re gonna breach through the front door and move into the kitchen. The entrance to the underground warehouse is through the freezer in the kitchen, so we’re gonna take a team into there and kick ass.

The crowd isn’t paying too much attention. Joe throws the doll house onto the ground.

Listen up, people. This asshole kidnapped Clearly and she’s in trouble. I know that might not mean much to you, but she’s my entire world. She’s the hardest worker in the lab and I should have listened to her long ago when we were still together. If we come out of this alright, we’re gonna have the greatest makeup sex in the history of makeup sex. Ever!

Also, it should be noted that Max Dickson is in the house too. Apparently he’s a bad guy.

That’s right. Max Dickson was a bad guy all this time.

And what do we do to bad guys?

Shoot ‘em!

That’s right! Now let’s go!

At this announcement, the crowd is riled up and gathers their gear.

All the cops jump into their cars and zoom out of the garage, just as TRUDY HAUSER starts to cross the entrance of the garage. All the car drivers honk their horns and complain.

An ice cream cone shaped warhead is almost complete. The Ya Sah’s begin to load the war head onto the missile.

Cole walks into the science room and admires the missile.

Lovely.

Yes?

Cole pulls out his pistol, and points it at Clearly.

I’ve shot men for that.

It’s a good thing I’m not a man.

Cole comes over and threatens Clearly.

You know what. I’ve been nice this whole time, but that really torqued me off. I’m sorry to say that I’m a little hung up about it.

Cole snaps his fingers and a couple of Ya Sah clones come and grab Clearly. They hook her up to the crane and chain her to the missile.

You can’t!

Oh but I can.

Cole laughs.

The entire police force sits on the lawn outside the gates of Stiff Manor, right next to the Twisty Treat. Each cop is licking an ice cream cone.

Everything is quiet as Joe and David walk up to the gate and buzz the buzzer. It beeps and the gates swing open.

All right everyone, let’s go.

All the cars drive into the estate.

The police cars park on the driveway up to the house. Every single cop gets out of their cars and gets ready for a shootout. All is quiet for a moment as everyone continues to eat their ice cream.

Elton pulls out a bullhorn from his vehicle.

Hey! This is the cops. I have a warrant for the arrest of Cole Stiff and Max Dickson. You boys are in big trouble! Open up, baby!

For a moment, it seems as if nobody is home. Then, the doors to the mansion fly open and all the windows get kicked out by a battalion of Ya Sah clones. Each clone is in a suit and bowler hat.

All the cops drop their ice cream and an enormous fight ensues. The police shoot at the clones, but they come faster than the cops can fire. The cops are overwhelmed by them and start hand-to-hand combat.

One cop smashes a potted plant over a Ya Sah’s head. Another gets hit with a baseball bat. Yet another cop rides a rodeo bull into the house.

Joe and David blast their way into the house and into the kitchen. They stab guys with kitchen knives and shoot clones left and right.

They open the freezer and find that it’s literally a walk in freezer. They walk down the stairs inside the freezer and into the underground cavern.

Joe and David descend the stairs down into the underground cavern and onto the catwalk. Clearly screams for help in the distance.

A couple of Ya Sah clones come at them on the catwalk and they dispose of them over the railing.

That’s Clearly’s yelling! I’ve heard it a lot before.

You go for Clearly and I’ll disable the missile.

David runs down the catwalk and Joe goes down some attached spiral stairs towards the missile room.

The missile bay is concrete and yellow hazard paint. Spinning green police lights dot the room.

Joe clambers down off the catwalk and over to where Clearly is strapped to the missile.

Joe!

Clearly, It’s me.

Get me out of here Joe!

The missile platform clinks and begins the process raising the missile into firing position. The roof opens up above them.

All is calm at the Twisty Treat, until the building starts to break in half. Ya Sah clones and Gay Chorus boys are sent running.

It sits directly on theopening to the missile silo, and as the silo opens, the Twisty Treat is forcibly removed and crushed.

My Ice Cream!?

David bursts into the missile control room. In the old yellowing window, the missile bay is visible. The missile ratchets up toward firing position with Clearly strapped to it.

In the back of the room is a cryogenic chamber with a Ya Sah in it. This one looks more muscular and fearsome than the rest. It’s got cybernetic implants!

David pushes the big, red, emergency stop button on the console. The missile stops and red lights flash around the platform.

Joe clambers up to a catwalk that is now on the same level as Clearly. There is a chain wench in the middle of the yawning gap that separates them.

Clearly, I’m going to have to jump for it.

Be careful Joe!

Joe balances on a pole and stands on the railing, ready to jump.

Cole walks up from out of nowhere.

Hello there detective Locke. Back for more pictures of supermodels? I see you’ve brought detective Lowde with you. Too bad I can’t kill you both at the same time, but that is why I’ve hired the help around here.

Cole points to the control room with a little remote control and presses a button on it.

David speaks into a hand held radio he’s brought with him.

I’ve found the control room, send bomb squad to my position.

The cryogenic chamber unlocks with a whirr. Out steps a half-frozen CYBORG YA SAH.

David turns around and sees the cyborg coming at him.

You are way uglier than my last date. Wait, let me guess. You want to kill me too?

Ya Sah.

Nope.

David draws his gun and unloads the entire clip on him. It does nothing.

That’s a new trick.

Cole points his remote in the air at Clearly, finger on the button.

I didn’t think that you’d actually get to see each other die. It’s the little things in life. I’ll let you watch her die first. Sound fair?

No!

Just as Cole lifts the remote to make Clearly’s vest explode, a shot rings out. The bullet destroys the remote and injures Cole’s hand.

Matt Squealer stands behind Cole, gun still drawn, unsteady and sweaty.

Nice shot!

I was aiming for the head. I wanted to see if there was anything in the refrigerator in the kitchen and now I’m here...Geez, what a day.

Cole takes off running, pulls out his revolver, and shoots at Matt Squealer. Matt has to jump in a vat of liquid ice cream to escape. Joe pulls out his gun and returns fire, missing Cole.

Joe! Get me down from here.

Joe turns back and holsters his weapon. He stands on the railing and grabs the chain.

He swings over to Clearly and grabs onto her. He hooks them both up to the chain, and frees her from the missile.

He swings back to the catwalk with Clearly safely chained to him. He unchains them both and starts to bolt.

Stay here.

Wait Joe! I have a bomb on me.

Joe looks at her and notices the new bomb-bra.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

David draws the combat knife on his tactical vest and flips it around in his hands.

Knife to meet you.

David and the Cyber Ya Sah have a hell of a fight. They destroy equipment and break the glass in the room.

Cyber Ya Sah throws David through a table where two OLD MEN are playing Chess.

Hey! Watch it!

David kicks Cyber Ya Sah in the balls, but it doesn’t hurt him. He takes a fire axe off a wall and wedges it in the cyborg’s balls, that does the trick.

Cyber Ya Sah gets nailed over the head with a Grammy, an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and a Nobel Peace Prize.

For your consideration. Bitch.

Cyborg Ya Sah nails the control panel and the missile goes towards the launch opening again. All the red lights turn yellow.

David wraps the Cyborg Ya Sah with power cables and electrocutes him. As he is getting zapped, the Cyborg flips through different radio channels before finally dying.

Joe looks at the mess of wires and such on the back of Clearly’s bomb brassiere. As he pries the cover off the back, a timer starts on the vest. It says “60 seconds”.

The bomb payload is going to look like a little bar of soap or play dough. And it should only have two wires sticking out of it. That’s the thing you need to find.

There’s a ton of wires and mess in the back of the device. Joe pulls out an ET Atari cartridge.

Clearly, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I can’t do something like this. I’m not trained for--

Joe. Listen to me! Okay? Remember that you said that you’d always listen to me from now on?

I remember, honey.

Joe pulls a flux capacitor out of the casing, tosses it aside.

And I don’t want to die here with you. Not today.

The scoreboard ominously appears in the wall of the warehouse. The good guys are trailing, but only by a little now. The time on the board is less than 20 minutes.

Our time is running out.

Joe pulls an abacus out of the casing, discards it.

The explosive payload is the only thing that you’re going to have to worry about. The detonator itself is small, like a cherry bomb. It won’t kill us.

I...Clearly. I love you so much.

I love you too Joe. Now get this bomb off me so we can make love when this is all done.

Joe pulls open a hidden panel and finds the explosive charge. He rips it off just in time! Throws it into a vat of ice cream mix.

The vest timer reaches 0 and a buzzer goes off. The back of the vest pops and sizzles, but doesn’t blow up.

Clearly and Joe kiss.

In a corner of the warehouse a big semi truck with ice cream cones painted on it roars to life. Max Dickson hops in the drivers side and Cole jumps into the storage container on the back.

I have to go.

Go save the city Joe.

The truck pulls out of the warehouse and onto surface streets. Joe and David both run after it and meet up in the tunnel leading out to the street.

Come on old man. Run for it!

Try and keep up kid.

They make it to the street corner, out of breath and unable to keep up. They stand dejectedly as two high end luxury cars pull up, driven by Elton Johnson and an ice cream mix covered Matt Squealer.

Guess what we found?

Joe and David get in separate cars and they speed off.

The two cars race after the semi on the highway as they pass dangerously close to other motorists. The semi barrels through any traffic in its way.

Elton hands Joe an ear piece.

Can you hear me kid?

I hear you. Let’s take these guys down.

The cars speed next to the semi. The back doors of the shipping compartment open up and Cole shoves out several boxes. The chase cars swerve to avoid them, but other drivers aren’t so lucky.

Joe, it’s up to you to stop Dickson.

Let’s do this.

FRONT OF TRUCK

Joe’s chase car pulls up to the semi. He leaps out and lands on the passenger side of the cab of the truck, holding onto the skirt.

BACK OF TRUCK

Cole grabs a rocket propelled grenade launcher (RPG) and walks to the back, aiming it at David and Matt.

Eat a rocket, you fat bastard.

Shit! Swerve Matt!

Inside a police van driving behind Matt and David, Jose is being driven by a HUNGRY COP. A bell dings and a panel in the glove box opens and spews steam.

Donuts are ready!

You should not be cooking and driving.

I’ll do what I please in my own car.

Hungry Cop reaches over and pulls a donut out of the glove compartment with a mitt.

Matt and David’s car swerves just in time as Cole fires the RPG. An enormous explosion erupts where the RPG strikes the white police van instead of the chase car.

FRONT OF TRUCK

What the hell was that?

Joe starts to shimmy up towards the passenger door of the cab.

Cole’s shooting RPG’s from the back of the container.

Well, what the hell are you waiting for?

BACK OF TRUCK

(To Matt)

Get me on the back of that truck.

Matt pulls his car up to the back of the truck. David throws himself at the back of the container and barely gets a handhold on it.

He is being dragged along the road on his boots, trying to get all the way onto the back of the truck.

Cole throws down the RPG launcher and comes to stomp Lowde’s grip on the truck.

FRONT OF TRUCK

Joe shimmies his way up to the door of the truck cab. Max notices him out the corner of his eye and starts swerving the truck to make Joe fall off.

BACK OF TRUCK

Cole stumbles around and David uses the swerving motion to his advantage, swaying his body all the way into the back of the truck.

FRONT OF TRUCK

Joe takes off his belt and wraps it around his fist, using the buckle to smash the glass on the passenger side window. He reaches in and unlocks the door.

Dickson fumbles with his service pistol and pops off a shot at Joe.

BACK OF TRUCK

David is up in the back of the truck and starts to beat the hell out of Cole. Cole laughs maniacally and shouts though bloody teeth.

You two should really get a new hobby. I hear making ice cream is good for the mind and body.

Shut up you freak.

Cole flips a butterfly knife from his socks and swipes at David. Cole catches David’s shirt on a wild strike and cuts it clean in half.

David dodges another couple of swipes from Cole and has his pants cut off. He’s in his underwear and boots.

You just love being naked, don’t you.

Not as much as you love me being naked.

Wait...what?

Joe hangs on to the door of the truck as it swings wildly from its post. Max shoots at him as he continues to swerve the truck.

The police force has reached the underground portion of the Stiff manor and are taking stock of things. Most of the Ya Sah clones are being carted off in hand cuffs. Clearly is giving a statement.

Trudy Hauser walks into the control room and notices a small screen displaying the Nuclear Missile’s point of view. She shoves an electrocuted Cyborg Ya Sah off the control panel.

Let’s see if this thing gets my soaps.

She flips a few random switches. Sirens sound and green light flash.

The rocket starts moving ahead and clinks easily into the right position. It creates a massive rumble and takes off.

I have to stop that rocket!

Clearly races with the bomb squad towards the Control Room.

Trudy is still trying to change the channel. It’s showing a view from the nose of the missile. Clearly busts in the door.

What are you doing?!

My soaps are on. Do you know how to work this TV?

Move!

Clearly shoves Trudy out of the control room. The bomb squad comes in and starts to work immediately. Clearly takes hold of a joystick and takes a look at the limited information she has available.

The fight continues unabated.

Guys, the nuke just took off. I can manually control where it flies, but I can’t stop it. It’s going to go off.

Then steer it into the ocean!

I don’t have that much fuel, and if it goes out of radio range it might detonate on its own.

David looks around the back of the truck and does a barrel roll to dodge Cole. He picks up an ice cream scoop. The two continue to knife fight with the scoop.

FRONT OF TRUCK

Joe swings on the door and boots Max in the face. He wrestles the gun out of Max’s hand and out the window. They trade blows.

I have a plan.

Let’s hear it old man.

Joe uses his belt to strangle Max. Max punches Joe in the face.

Clearly, just fly that thing towards the restaurant we went to last week.

Master Baiters? The one on the pier with that asshole of a waiter. Oh I think I can do that.

Right. We’re gonna use a rocket...on a rocket...

Joe takes control of the big rig and turns them down a particular stretch of highway.

BACK OF TRUCK

David beats up Cole with the scoop. Empties out the barrels of “Anything but drugs” in the back and hits him with them. Drugs fly everywhere.

FRONT OF TRUCK

In the cab Joe strangles Max with the belt.

You can’t kill me, you’re a cop. Remember.

The truck rumbles by a billboard with the scoreboard on it. The score is almost tied now, but the time has run out and the horn sounds. It blinks “Retired.”

Looks like I’m off the clock now.

The truck rumbles over a large bridge and towards the beach. Joe boots Max out of the cab and off the bridge, into the water. He screams all the way down.

I’ll see you in Locke and Lowde Twoooooooo!

BACK OF TRUCK

David stuffs a barrel over Cole’s head and disarms him. Rolls him out of the back of the cab and off the bridge as well.

Have a barrel of laughs buddy.

On a small screen in a corner, Clearly controls the path of the missile. She guides it towards the edge of a pier in the ocean.

Joe pulls the semi rig off the highway and races through a lush green park and then onto beach streets. He guides it towards the edge of the pier.

David. Load another RPG into the launcher.

Gotcha.

The two chase cars with Matt and Elton stop at the entrance to the pier.

They speed the semi truck off the road and onto the pier. It’s meant for foot traffic only and they have to break through a barricade to get onto the pier.

If you can hit the missile body and not the warhead, it should separate the two and the nuke won’t go off. It’ll still be a hell of a boom, but no nuke.

Same as taking off that bra of yours today.

Same thing.

What?

David loads another RPG into the launcher.

The nuclear missile draws close to the pier.

The waiter is helping another couple choose dinner.

Welcome to Master Baiter’s Fish House, where the fish smell is normal. Our special today is a salty surprise, which --

He notices a large semi truck coming at the restaurant.

-- which will be a large semi truck rammed into you at full speed--

The semi makes it to the end of the pier and Joe slams on the breaks. It slides into the front of the restaurant before coming to a stop.

I really love going to this old place.

David stands up and walks out of the back of the truck’s container, to the furthest spot on the pier.

Dang old fart drivers, shouldn’t be on the road anymore.

The nuke is in front of the pier.

It’s now or never guys.

Looks like I’m about to blow the biggest load ever.

He fires the RPG and it soars onto target. It nails the nuke in the side of the missile. It blows it into two halves and with an enormous boom.

The legs of the pier shake and shatter, and the restaurant and semi slide off, into the ocean.

Metal and wood shards fly everywhere, but no nuclear explosion.

Elton and Matt race onto the beach.

Clearly looks concerned and grave. Her view screen has gone dead.

Are they okay? Can anyone see them?

Girlscouts are gathered around a campfire.

Are they okay?!

Multiple surgeons are working on a patient. One surgeon is holds a pumping heart.

Are they all right? What happened to them?

Medieval reporter holds his three pronged microphone and stands amongst a group of angry villagers with torches and pitchforks.

Are they going to be all right? What’s gonna happen?

Through the smoke, David and Joe swim to shore. Elton spots them from the beach.

They’re fine! They’re okay!

Clearly throws her fists up in the air.

Yes!

All the girlscouts cheer, hug each other, and throw cookies into the air.

The surgeons cheer and chest bump. The surgeon holding the heart spikes it like a football.

The villagers celebrate and dance. Out of the darkness Dr. Frankenstein’s monster clobbers some of them without anyone noticing.

Joe and David crawl up onto the beach. They look at each other and collapse onto the sand in exhaustion.

What happened to your clothes again?

I don’t remember.

SUPER: “ONE WEEK LATER”

A busy and hot day on the beach with hot bodies everywhere. In a cabana by the ocean, Joe lies on a chair with Clearly, both in casual beach attire.

David sits to the side of them, being pampered by a cadre of beautiful ladies.

A cheap sign is hung up that says “Happy Retirement Joe”.

Bartender! Another Margarita please!

Matt pops up from behind the cabana bar.

Right away Mister Lowde.

That’s Lieutenant Lowde to you!

What a crazy week, huh David?

I’ll say old man.

You two enjoy today, because after this I have Joe all to myself for a long time.

You can have him. I’ve got the lab techs.

The girls feeding David wave to Clearly. Some of them are wearing sexy lab coats.

And you be good to them too David. No funny business.

Elton struts up in a fine new uniform. A Commissioner’s outfit, except that it’s purple.

Hey boys. Look who’s the commissioner now.

Mister Commissioner.

I’m afraid I’ve got quite a bit of paperwork for you at the office David.

It figures. After all that fun we had.

But it was all well done.

Thank you, sir.

I can’t wait to see what you two have in store for Locke and Lowde 2.

Joe and David look at each other, then at the camera, they clink glasses and everyone roars with laughter.

Anita drives an ice cream truck out of town. She wears an eyepatch and smokes a cigar as she merrily hums the ice cream truck tune.

FADE OUT

AFTER THE CREDITS

The Ya Sah clone trapped in the saw-the-lady-in-half magic trick and the Ya Sah clone strapped into the torture chair are watching the Korean music video on TV. They both sing along, quite pleased.

THE END.